No Shepard Without Vakarian
by crazyasssoul
Summary: Her memories were mush, leaving her with nothing, and when she does remember, it leaves her in pain. When she finally see's him once more it's as though he wishes her dead again. She's lost and the one person who always had her back, now firmly walked away. A.N - Set after ME3, this summary sucks, I know but the story is much better, I promise!
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. This is technically an AU. Some parts are from the game specifically with some different dialogue. If there are any spelling mistakes I apologize as I wrote this all together in one go instead of in chapters.**

 **If there are spelling mistakes please let me know so I can fix them later.**

 **If you have any questions also let me know, I will answer them as soon as possible.**

 **This story took me awhile to write, edit, and finally conclude this is what I wanted, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

 **For those of you following my other stories, they are still a work in progress and I am getting through them. Working a lot and potentially moving across Canada kind of takes up your time haha.**

 **ENJOY!**

 **ALSO SPOILERS – If you have NOT played the games, or finished them, please do not read as I have A LOT of spoilers in my story, thanks!**

-x-

ENDING OF MASS EFFECT 3

She watched as they flew by, heading to the makeshift base they were using a couple blocks from the Harbinger. She no longer recognized her home planet. Buildings that once stretched and stood amongst the clouds, now lay in rubble and ash. The bright, lush's tall trees were now blackened and dead. Cars were either on fire or in pieces, along with past ships that didn't make it. You could see the piles of bodies, twisted and deformed now lifeless. The smell of ammo and burning flesh lingered, Earth was no longer the beautiful beacon for humanity, it was now the wasteland of those lost and forgotten. She was glad her helmet was on as her face clearly showed how much this weighed on her. Her home would be one of many destroyed and it all rested on her shoulders to end it, for good. The galaxy was unmoved in making it her sacrifice to save everyone, that she was THE only one to do the job no one else wanted. She was angry that she believed them, that they got under her skin and morphed her into the" perfect" weapon. Her attitude didn't help, she knew she was head strong, stubborn and when told she couldn't do it, she found a way. It was what made her a good leader and soldier, but it also came at a cost. Many couldn't tolerate her, and the few that did, didn't last long either dying in battle or leaving her side for something better. Over the years flying with the Normandy and her crew, she grew quite attached and protective of most.

Garrus Vakarian. When she first met him on the Citadel, she honestly thought he was another soldier looking to break the law, working under someone who reported to no one and got away with whatever you wanted. What she didn't expect was to fall for the Turian, and he for her. Somehow, he had managed to take on her personality and make it shine brighter than any other before him. He was loyal and damn good with a sniper, she wouldn't trust anyone else to have her back, on the field she never had to glance over her shoulder because she knew he was there, watching her every movement. On many occasions, he had saved her life because she didn't see someone standing behind a wall, or just simply she missed one. What drove her insane was how often he seemed to do calibrations, he was admit that you could never do enough, but it had become a teasing amongst the crew with him, every time he was asked to do something, he had calibrations. She believed it was how he wanted to reject doing something when it made him uncomfortable or shy. He was the one she wanted to see the most when everything was said and done. The dark blue markings on his face accompanied with the large scar across his face made him that much easier to pick out in a crowd, though even before the incident, she could tell him from a crowd in a heartbeat, there was no one she trusted more and no one she wanted more in her life than him.

Grunt. She thoroughly loved Grunt, in a way she considered him like an adoptive son, always getting into trouble, but always listening to her when her stern voice came out. She was always a little softer on him, a part of her heart went out to him as he technically had no family, but when Wrex offered to take him in as his own, she only beamed with joy. She missed him dearly, but she knew he was in great hands. When running into him again, she felt like a proud mother. He had his anger under control for the most part, and even seemed happy, though what made her soar was when he saw her and all but ran to give her a hug. She loved the Krogan as if he was her own, and she wished he wasn't a part of this war, but she knew he would fight harder than most.

Jack. Jack and she had grown close over the years, becoming almost sisters along their journeys. It was fairly hard to like her at first, but when they got over each other, they realized they were pretty much in common, their lives thrown down a path they had no want of needing. The ones they thought were close to them, betrayed or left, leaving the hard-outer shell and unwavering notion that they would get done what needed, regardless of the steps needed. The biotic woman was defiantly different and rubbed most of the crew the wrong way, but she enjoyed her bluntness and ability to make anyone uncomfortable with just a glance, though she had managed to make her smile and laugh on more than one occasion.

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. At first, she thought the young Quarian was naïve and stupid, rushing into the adventure and fights much too fast and without thinking, but over the years she found that she really did try to think out most of her actions, keeping most at bay as she was stuck in her environmental suit. They had become close friends, mostly for social purposes, but Tali understood how she worked, and that as much as she tried, she would never be as "girly" or open as the Quarian, but when needed she was always there for her, and vice versa.

Urdnot Wrex. Now he was a character, with her since the beginning, and never one to shy away from a fight or argument. He was severally loyal, and she only proved herself to be more on his side, and more of a friend to him when she cured the geophage. After that, he never doubted her, always had her back. He was hard to like for most, but it only made her feel proud with how his true self shone when she was around, he was able to relax around her, forgetting about the world and responsibilities of a leader.

Along the years of missions, adventures and travel they had lost so many, she remembered all their names, etching them into her head so she would never forget what this war had brought, what it had made them lose and what they should gain should they win. Thane Krios went out in the way he wished, fighting until his last dying breath, something he wished and was the only noble way he could've gone. Mordin Solus sacrificed himself to help cure the geophage telling her it was a mistake to take that away from the Krogans, and that with his sacrifice he hoped they would be clear, and start anew, not making the same mistakes over and over. As quirky as the scientist was, she missed him dearly. Ashley Williams, she wasn't close with, the brunette had a thing against aliens, one she never fully understood but respected nonetheless. She sacrificed herself so they could be where they were today, she wasn't close to her, but she knew her death could not be in vain. None of their deaths could be, and she would fight to her last dying breath to prove that for them.

Hearing her name, she looked over her shoulder to see Edi Tali, and Anderson staring at her, there were a few other soldiers in the shuttle with them, but she already forgot their names.

"What?"

"Any encouraging words?" She watched as Tali shook her head, she smiled as she knew she was rolling her eyes under her helmet. Edi looked like she always did, absent from the moment.

"They know."

"And the others?" She shrugged her shoulders and moved to the opening doors as the shuttle landed in the middle of the street.

"I'm not their Commanding Officer." She heard Tali scoff, trying to hide her laughter. She wasn't trying to be rude, least of all to Anderson, but she already shut off most of her emotions, letting them back out to give false hope to stranger soldiers was just something she couldn't do. Letting more lives depend on her would only add to the burden on her shoulders. Jumping down she made her way through the baron street that only had a few soldiers scattered and a couple tanks standing ready. She thought about messaging the others. The few that couldn't be here by her side, or they were needed more elsewhere. She decided against it as it would break her current code, say one thing before battle, save your words for when you meet again. Some saw it as rude, but to her it was an unspoken promise that no matter what condition they were in, they would see each other regardless.

Making her way to the communication room, she saw a few Turian soldiers, among them stood Garrus giving an order. She stood off to the side, watching him, if she could guarantee anything, wish for anything, it would be to return to him. It was cruel to the others, but that damn Turian stole her heart right from under her and she would be damned if she lost it. He looked over his shoulder to see her standing there, turning back to the Turian he gave a curt nod and made his way to her. Turian expression was hard enough to read, but over the years travelling with him she managed to pick up on a few, the one he bore now showed fear, something the Turian never showed in all their years fighting together, including the missile to his face.

"Shepard, so I guess this is just like old times, huh?"

"Might be the last chance we get to say that." His voice was low, as though lost in thought.

"Think we're gunna lose?"

"No. I think we're about to kick the reapers back into whatever black hole they crawled out of. Then we're going to retire to somewhere warm and tropical and live off the royalties from the vids." She laughed, genuinely making him smile.

"James told me there's an old saying here, on Earth. May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Not sure if Turian heaven is the same as yours, but, if this thing goes sideways and we both end up there, meet me at the bar, I'm buying." This time she took off her helmet, her long purple hair falling around her shoulders, grabbing onto the front of his suit she pulled him towards her, their faces inches apart. The words hitting him hard before she crashed her lips to his.

"There's no Shepard without Vakarian." When they broke apart her eyes bore into him, she needed him to hear her, needed to hear the words she was so afraid to speak but felt so strongly. He brought his talon up to her face, brushing a couple hairs out of the way.

"I have an order for you. You go down there and you give them hell." She smiled, taking a step back, her fingers lingering on his chest a little longer.

"If you're not up there, I'll be looking down, I'll always have your back, Garrus." She let her hand drop and turned, placing her helmet back on to hide the tears that were wanting to fall, now was not the time to cry, now was not the time to be emotional, though she would use this as fuel to give them hell, and hell she would bring.

-x-

She watched as they all took position around the Harbinger, the only sound was the barrage of bullets flying past their heads, she could just make out the sound of the Asari Commander giving orders before the building she was positioned in exploded. Realizing they needed even more fire power she took off to one of the trucks. She didn't have to tell Garrus to watch her back, he had already assumed the position behind one of the barricades as Liara watched behind them. Her fingers raced across the keyboard, her eyes darting all over the screen. Finally, she reached the correct option and slammed her fist into it. Stepping back, she aimed at the last few husks as the missiles flew towards the eye. She held her breath as it began to close its shields, it seemed as though she was watching it in slow motion, but as fast as it fired, the Destroyer exploded.

"Hit it with everything you got!" She raised her weapon once more, it took no more than a few moments for it to collapse completely. They made their way through the last bit of street, heading to the top of the hill meeting with Anderson and a few others. They watched as a reaper landed, she could feel it's heavy gaze.

"We've got to move!" Without thinking she jumped down, running at full speed, she watched as a couple tanks, trucks and aircrafts came in beside her, though she watched as the reaper all but destroyed them in a matter of seconds. Debris was flying everywhere, bodies now laying lifeless on the ground by her feet, still she pressed on. Glancing behind her she saw Garrus and Liara close on her heel, she smiled under her helmet, she knew she was fast, but she was glad they were always able to keep up with her. Looking forward just in time to see one of the tanks flip, sliding on her right side she brought up her arm, clipping the bottom of it as she slid underneath, she could feel the blood instantly dripping down her arm. Looking behind her, she watched as another tank flew up and over her right towards Garrus and Liara. Without thinking of her own cover, she bolted towards where she knew Garrus would jump. She yanked him up hard, all but dragging him back to the flipped tank. She could see the blood pouring from his left side, making his already dark armor black. She tore off her helmet meeting his gaze, she was both angry yet full of adrenaline. She grabbed Liara's hand, pressing it hard on the wound as she yelled into her comm.

"Normandy, do you copy? I need an evac right now!"

"We're taking heavy fire up here Commander." She snarled into the COMM, if anyone was able to do an evac, it would be Joker, and she knew, he knew he knew it.

"Then come in doors open dammit!" The Reapers beam continued to destroy everything around them, she was about to yell into the COMM again when the Normandy came clear around the tower, she could see the large ramp already open, it was unsafe, but given the circumstances it was necessary. She hauled Garrus up with Liara as she walked to a small clearing in front of them. As they walked up the ramp, she slipped from his grasp, his full weight on Liara.

"Shepard."

"You got to get out of here." Her voice came out broken and stern, she was trying desperately not to go with him.

"And you got to be kidding me." He was angry, she knew how low his voice got when he was. She would never leave him behind, would never ask him to turn tail and run, but this time was different, she knew this time would be different and she couldn't risk him, not after everything. It was cruel and selfish, but it was her last request, not to him, but to herself. "We're in this till the end." She grabbed his collar, leaning his head to hers, she breathed him in, it would be the last time she would get his sent, something that was just so him, something no Turian, human, Asari, or another could mimic. No, he was the scent just for her, of ammo, sweet, blood and just a little hint of something sweet.

"No matter what happens here…. You know I love you." She leaned back, placing a soft kiss on his mandible before taking a step back altogether, her hand lingering a second longer before dropping. "I always will." He grabbed her wrist pulling her in for a much harder kiss. She felt her tears welling up, the sound of war behind them could be easily forgotten.

"Shepard, I…." She placed a hand on the side of his face, giving a soft smile before finally stepping out of his arms. "I love you too." She looked over her shoulder to see the Reapers gaze had changed, she wasn't about to lose this now. Turning back, she gave them a stern look, the last look she could give as their Commander.

"GO! NOW!" she ran down the ramp, heading full sprint towards the beacon. She watched as the Normandy dodged one of the beams before taking off. She was so close, she could feel the power radiating off it when the ground beneath her shook, glancing up she saw the beam heading straight for her, but she was so close.

"They're all gone…."

"Did anyone make it through?"

"Negative. Our entire force was decimated."

"It's too much, we need to regroup. Fall back to the buildings!"

Opening her eyes everything blurred and screamed in agony. Her chest heaved as best as it could, bringing in the little oxygen it could muster before gurgling as she exhaled. Turning her head to the side she saw the bodies around her. The COMM was ringing in her ear, no one had made it through yet, she was so close. Slowly she rolled, she choked on a scream as she felt the sting of the debris digging into her skin, looking at her arms they were completely bare, bloodied and burned. Unclipping the rest of her armor, she rose, her shirt half ripped along with her pants. She could feel her face already starting to swell, the blood dripping from her right eye, blurring her vision more. The reaper took off, smiling she reached for her pistol and pushed herself towards the beacon. The reapers thought they were dead, or about, but she fought to damn hard, and lost to damn many to quit here.

"Hammers wiped out… All forces retreat!"

"Pull back! Pull back!" Slowly she reached for her COMM, her arm was trembling and soaked in her own blood.

"Thi…. this is Shepard. I….. I'm going through the beacon."

"Shepard? No, we will retreat!" She felt a bullet pierce her shoulder, screaming and raised her pistol aiming at the indoctrinated Turian. He dropped, she made her way towards it, with the last bit of energy she could muster, she bolted through it. The air left her lungs as she landed, making black dots appear in her vision. She rolled, lifting herself as she coughed, trying to keep the air in her lungs. She grabbed hold of her pistol once more, it only had half a clip left, but if she chose wisely it would be enough.

"Shepard? Shepard!"

"Anderson? You're up here too?" She was slightly confused as she couldn't recall seeing him ahead of her, but she wouldn't be surprised if she had a concussion.

"Followed you up, but we didn't land in the same place, at least I don't think we did. What's your surrounding look like?" She looked around, it was dark but she could make out the piles of bodies along with a couple keepers going through them. She took a couple steps and muffled a scream, the pain was radiating through her, there were to many injuries to know which was causing the most. "Are you ok?"

"Feel like death, but I'm moving." Clutching to her side she began to move. "It's dark, there are human remains scattered. The keepers are going through them."

"Sounds familiar, I'm in a dark hallway. Reminds me of your description of the Collector base."

"Makes sense."

"You think they're making a Reaper in here?"

"Sure, they round them up on Earth, then send the people up here to be processed." A part of her knew there was something in the way how the gore didn't bother her, that on some level she should be scared, instead she was intrigued, what kind of Reaper were they trying to build?

"Goddamn abomination, I'm going to keep moving, the sooner we blow these bastards back to hell, the better. The tubes don't go on forever, but where the hell are we?" Something in his voice was throwing her off, he didn't sound like the Captain she knew over the years, he sounded, off.

"Yeah, doesn't look like any part of the Citadel I've been to"

"Woah…."

"Anderson?"

"One of the walls here just realigned itself. The place is shifting…changing… There's a chasm here, and more hallways like the one I was in." Something in her gut told her to hurry, with as much strength as she could she all but ran towards the large door that was at the end of her hallway. It was the large chasm he was talking about.

"Hey, I found a control panel…" His COMM went out, she took her strength and ran up the last little bit. He was standing at the panel, hunched slightly over.

"Anderson?" he slowly turned, but he didn't move properly, his voice came out strained.

"Shepard….. I can't…" From behind her she heard him, the Illusive Man.

"I underestimated you, Shepard."

"What have…." She felt her body go rigid, her muscles seizing as they no longer listen to her.

"I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers…. And of you, if necessary." Her mind raced, if he could control her all this time, what was to say that all her actions were her own, that her feelings were exactly that, a tool to be used for the future battle, used to fuel her drive in a way never before.

"They're controlling you." Anderson's voice snapped her out of her thoughts, he was trying to move, now wasn't a time to get lost in thought, now was the time to be the soldier everyone knew her to be.

"I don't think so Admiral."

"Controlling me is a lot different than controlling a Reaper."

"Have a little faith." He laughed at her, something between human and bionic, it made her shiver, the sound was eerie, something she would be glad never to hear again. "When humanity discovered the mass relays…. When we learned there was more to the galaxy than imagined. There was some who thought that the relays should be destroyed…. They were scared of what we'd find, terrified of what we might let in. but look at what humanity has achieved. Since the discovery we've advanced more than the past 10,000 years combined, and the Reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand-fold, but only if we can harness their ability to control." She felt her arm raise against her will, her hands trembling at she aimed at Anderson. The tears began to fall as she watched him.

"Bullshit. We destroy them, or they destroy us."

"And waste this opportunity? Never!"

"You're playing with things you don't understand. With power, you shouldn't be able to use." She was trying everything to lower her gun, but no matter how much she thought, how much she begged her hand went unwaivered.

"I don't believe that. If we can control it, why shouldn't it be ours?"

"Because we're not ready!" Her voice was stern, as though scalding a child.

"No. This is the way humanity must evolve."

"There's always another way." Anderson was half facing him, the pain on his face showed how much he was fighting.

"I've dedicated my life to understanding the Reapers, and I know with certainty the Crucible will allow me to control them."

"And then what?" she barked.

"Look at the power they wield. Look at what they can do!" He clenched his fist and she felt her finger tighten on the trigger. She watched as the bullet went into Andersons right side. Her eyes went wide, but Anderson only gave her a weak smile, his body fighting to fall but remaining standing. Her own anger began to rise.

"I see what they did to you!"

"I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own! This isn't about me, or you! It's about things so much bigger than all of us."

"He's wrong, don't listen to him." She could hear the strain in his voice though it still held his authority.

"And who will you listen to Shepard? An old soldier, stuck in his ways, only able to see the world down a barrel of a gun? And what if he's wrong? What if controlling the Reapers is the answer?"

"If we destroy the Reapers, this ends, today. But if you can't control them-"

"But I can!" He took a step towards her.

"Are you willing to bet humanity's existence on it?" she watched as he struggled to take it in, he knew she was right, though he was so far gone, she wasn't sure if he would listen at all.

"I know it will work!"

"You can't, can you? They won't let you do it." She smiled as she watched the control slip from him.

"NO! I AM in control. No one is telling me what to do."

"Listen to yourself. You're indoctrinated." Anderson's voice was low, she needed to get to him soon.

"No. No! The two of you, so self-righteous. Do you think power like this comes easy? There are sacrifices…."

"You sacrificed too much."

"Shepard. I… I only wanted to protect humanity. The Crucible can control them. I know it can. I just….." She could feel his grip loosening on her, her gun slowly lowering as he fumbled with his own hands.

"It's not too late. Let us go. We'll do the rest."

"I…. I can't do that Commander."

"Of course, you can't, they own you now." She watched as he walked behind Anderson, she could hear his pistol cock.

"You…. You'd undo everything I've accomplished, I won't let that happen." She bit down the fear, that she wanted to scream at him not to do this.

"Because of you, humanity is already undone."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"THEY HAVE THE CITADEL! They've got us fighting each other instead of fighting them!"

"I just need t-"

"You've done EXACTLY what the Reapers wanted! You're still doing it because they control you!"

"I…. they're too strong!" Her heart raced, they were so close, so close.

"You're stronger! Don't let them win. Break the hold. Don't let them control you."

"I tried Shepard." She watched him raise the gun to his temple. The moment he pulled the trigger she felt her body return to her control, her arm fully dropping, her mind becoming clearer. She watched as Anderson dropped, dragging himself to lean against the small ramp. She made her way over to the console. With a couple commands, she heard the doors begin to open, slowly the Citadel was opening, she could see the Crucible being directed towards the center. She smiled and made her way over to sit next to Anderson who had his head hanging.

"Commander."

"We did it."

"Yes. We did. It's quite a view."

"Best seats in the house."

"God, feels like years since I just sat down."

"Think you earned a rest" She looked at him to see his eyes slightly close. "Stay with me, we're almost through this."

"You did good child, you did good. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, sir." She looked over to him, his head hanging, eyes slightly opened. There was blood dripping from his mouth and his chest stopped moving. "Anderson?" She gave him a light shake, but when he didn't come to, she let the tears fall, reaching over she grabbed hold of his dog tags, wrapping them around her hand. Her own eyes became heavy as she watched the battle rage on.

"Shepard?"

"I….. What do you need me to do?" She attempted to stand, but only collapsed under her own weight, she then dragged herself to the console.

"Nothing's happening, the Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end." She tried to reach for the console, but could feel her eyes rolling to the back of her head, she collapsed on the floor, her mind going blank. She felt something move, but she didn't know if it was her attempting to move, or the Citadel collapsing under her. When the movement stopped, she felt a small wave of relief wash over her. She attempted to open her eyes, but when they remained shut, she panicked.

"Wake up." Her eyes snapped open, she looked around and saw a little bow made of electricity standing in front of her.

"Where am I?"

"The Citadel, it is my home." She looked around and saw the same beam she leapt through down on Earth, only this seemed to lead directly to the Crucible itself.

"Who are you?"

"I am the Catalyst."

"I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst?"

"No, the Citadel is part of me."

"I need to stop the Reapers. Do you know how I can do that?"

"Perhaps, I control the Reapers, they are my solution." He began to walk away, making her stand, her body screamed to remain sitting, but she followed him anyways.

"Solution to what?"

"Chaos."

"The created will always rebel against their creators, but we found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order."

"By wiping out organic life?"

"No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the young ones along. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here."

"But you killed the rest…" she tried to imagine that if they were a few thousand years earlier with their technology, they wouldn't be here today, stopping them once and for all.

"We let them ascend so they can make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form." She gave a dry laugh.

"I think we would rather keep our own form."

"No, you can't. Without us, synthetics would destroy all organics. We created the cycle so that never happens. That's the solution."

"You said you're the Catalyst, but what are you?"

"A construct, and intelligence designed eons ago to solve a problem. I was created to bring balance, the catalyst for peace between organics and synthetics."

"So, you're just an AI?" she laughed, the thing they were fighting, was a damned AI.

"In just as much as you are an animal. I am embodied all intelligence of all Reapers."

"But you were created."

"Correct."

"By who?"

"By ones who recognized that conflicts would always arise between organics and synthetics. I was first created to oversee the relations between synthetic and organic life. It's to establish a connection. But our efforts always ended in conflict, so a new solution was required." She stood there, she couldn't wrap her head around this all, but she knew that because it was an AI, it would never truly understand why she felt the way she felt, why she was fighting so hard to stop them.

"The Reapers?"

"Precisely."

"Where did the Reapers come from? Did you create them?"

"My creators gave them form. I gave them function. They, intern, give me purpose. The reapers are a synthetic representation of my creators."

"And what happened to your creators?"

"They became the first true reaper. They did not approve, but it was the only solution."

"You said that before, but how do the reapers solve anything?"

"Organics create synthetics to improve their own existence, but those improvements have limits. To exceed those limits, synthetics must be allowed to evolve. They must, by definition, surpass their creators. The result is conflict, destruction, chaos. It is inevitable. Reapers harvest all life, organic and synthetic, preserving them before they are forever lost to this conflict."

"We're at war with the reapers right now!" Angry surged through her, her people, her crew, her friends and family were dying right now to save the last bit of lives they could.

"You may be in conflict with the reapers, but they are not interested in war."

"Find that hard to believe."

"When fire burns, is it at war? Is it in conflict? Or is it simply doing what it was created to do? We are no different. We harvest your bodies, your knowledge, your creations. We preserve it to be reborn in the form of a new reaper. Like a cleansing fire, we restore balance. New life, both organic and synthetic, can once again flourish."

"What do you know about the crucible?"

"The device you refer to the crucible is little more than a power source. However, in combination with the citadel and the relays, it is capable of releasing tremendous amounts of energy throughout the galaxy. It is crude but effective and adaptive in its design."

"Who designed it?"

"You would not know them, and there is not enough time to explain. We first noted the concept for this device several cycles ago. With each passing cycle, the design has no doubt evolved."

"Why didn't you stop it?"

"We believe the concept had been eradicated. Clearly, organics are more resourceful than we realized."

"But you're taking away our future. Without a future, we have no hope." She took in a shaky breath, the injuries now coming full blow as she remained standing. "Without hope….. we might as well be machines programmed to do what we're told."

"You have hope, more thank you think. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves my solution won't work anymore."

"So, now what?" She watched the false little boy move to the center of the bridge.

"We find a new solution. If there is a new solution, we must act. It is now in your power to destroy us. But be warned, others will be destroyed as well. The crucible will not discriminate. All synthetics will be targeted. Even you are partly synthetic."

"What exactly will happen?"

"Your crucible device appears to be largely intact. However, the effects of the blast will not be sustained to the reapers. Technology you rely on will be affected, but those who survive should have little difficulty repairing the damage. There will still be losses, but no more than what has already been lost."

"But the reapers will be destroyed?"

"Yes, but the peace won't last. Soon, your children will create synthetics, and then the chaos will come back."

"There has to be another way."

"There is, you could use the energy of the crucible to seize control of the reapers."

"so, the illusive man was right after all?"

"Yes, but he could never have taken control…. Because we already controlled him."

"But… I can?"

"You will die. You will control us, but you will lose everything you have."

She thought it over, she would have control of the reapers, but her body would no longer be there, she would almost be like EDI, an AI aware of her surroundings, but not knowing exactly how to feel about them. That along chilled her and she knew she couldn't abandon her people for the chance to control the creatures they sought out to destroy in the first place. To look at friends, loved ones and not understand why they were looking at her with those eyes, that emotion.

"There is another solution, synthetics."

"And that is?"

"Add your energy to the crucibles. The chained reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework... a new, DNA. Organics will be perfected by integrating fully with synthetic technology. Synthetics, in turn, will finally have understanding of organics. It is the… Ideal solution. Now that we know it is possible, it is inevitable we will reach synthetics."

"Why couldn't you do it sooner?"

"We have tried a similar solution in the past, but it has always failed."

"Why?"

"Because the organics were not ready. It is not something that can be forced. You are ready. And you may choose it."

"I don't know."

"why not? Synthetics are already part of you. Can you imagine your life without them? "

"And there will be peace?"

"The cycle will end, the reapers will cease their harvest, and the civilizations preserved in their forms will be connected to all of us. Synthesis is the final evolution of all life. The paths are open, but you have to choose."

She stood there, staring at the three options in front of her, options she didn't think she would have once she reached this far. She could synthesis, to have both organic and synthetic life finally coming together would be something that no one would be able to do, but what if it did back fire? What if it didn't work at all and it was for nothing. Though if she were to just simply destroy, it would end everything, right now. They wouldn't have to worry about the Reapers anymore, about the dangers of other life coming to wipe them out just for simply living for as long as they have. There would always be the conflict between life forms, but at least they would have the chance to rebuild the crucible, giving them that chance to merge once more if they so choose.

Drawing her pistol, she made her way towards the right, they had not come this far, not lose this many around the galaxy, for her to change her mind now. They all knew the risks of destroying them, of destroying it all, and she would follow through with their plan. She fired her clip into the capsule that surrounded the power source, slowly it sparked, before completely combusting before her. Satisfied it was done, she ran, pinching her side as she did so.

"Comm…. Shep….." She pushed the COMM further into her ear, she could hear Joker's voice coming in and out.

"Commander? Shepard are you there?"

"Joker, you better be half way across the damn galaxy by now!" She made her way back through the corridors, racing against the impending explosion that was going to come. She ran through doors, ran through the same halls she came from.

"Shepard, we're trying to extract…."

"No Joker! You get your ass, and the crew out, NOW!"

"But Shepard…"

"Now, Joker. I didn't come this far to lose ALL of you." She turned left coming into the hallway that she came from, the bodies still piled up to her waist as she saw the faint blue coming from the end.

"With all due respect Ma'am. We didn't come this far to lose you." She gritted her teeth, she knew Joker was stubborn, hell she knew her own crew was this stubborn, but to this extent, to disobey on her last moments was a new low.

"Joker, that's a damn order!"

"Jane…" Her heart stopped as Garrus's voice came over the comm.

"Dammit, Vakarian, don't make this harder!"

"Jane, I will get him to go, but you bet your damn ass we will come back for you."

"Good. No Shepard….."

"Without Vakarian."

With that she jumped through the beam shoulder first, she knew the impact was going to be hard, but choosing her already bad side, seemed to have a slight advantage. The light engulfed her and in seconds she felt the air leave her lungs as she was flung into the ground, rolling onto her side. Her vision was half black spots half blurry as she looked up to see the crucible exploding into a bright orange light, brighter than the normal explosion as she let her body fully collapse on the ground beneath her.

 _She was stretching in the cargo bay, it was an odd place to do yoga, but hardly anyone seemed to be down here except for Ashley and the vendor. Her hair hung in a braid off her right shoulder, for an Alliance soldier it was odd for one to have long hair, usually it was kept in a ballerina bun or short. She wanted to make her own mark, make her name known. She even went as far as to dye her hair, it was a mix of purples and blues with hints of soft green and black highlights. It was far beyond what they were allowed to have, but she was damn good at her job and she wasn't going to let her hair stop her from being who she was. Her skin was slightly tanned, with freckles dancing across her nose and cheeks, her eyebrows were thin and shaped around her eyes making their movements more dramatic, especially with the help of the scar across her left eye that went down and stopped just below her chin. She had bright green eyes and long lashes that gave the illusion she was wearing eyeliner; her lips were small but plump. Her entire look seemed almost feline the way her eyes were a little bigger, if her hair were its natural color she would probably be mistaken for a feline type race. Her body was slender though her muscles moved at her will, she spent countless hours training her body, to move her muscles in demand, it was hard work but it paid off when in battle. She didn't have the hour glass so many women she knew had, but she knew she had hips, she knew how to move her body that got attention. She lowered herself to the ground, breathing in as she pushed up and arched her back. Her ears twitched at the sound of someone moving next to her, glancing to her left she saw a Turian and Krogan being escorted by Ashely, Ashley only smiled and turned to walk towards the large table that held their guns, most of them anyways, she was very keen on being the only one cleaning her own guns, not that she didn't trust Ashely, just that she found it more relaxing knowing who calibrated and cleaned it. She lowered her chest, and spread her legs into the splits, her arms stretched out in front of her, slowly she rolled herself forward, her legs following suit as she rolled onto her forearms. She waited a minute before letting her legs hit the ground bringing her back into a standing position. She walked over to the two aliens, the Turian had his mandibles slack while the Krogan just smiled._

" _I am Commander Shepard." She extended her hand, the Krogan made a noise before taking her hand, squeezing a little to hard for her liking but she made no sign to show weakness, least of all to a Krogan._

" _The names Urdnot Wrex." She nodded to him and extended her hand to the Turian who had regained his composure._

" _Garrus Vakarian, we met on the Citadel earlier." She snapped her fingers recalling where re recognized the markings on his face._

" _That's where I remembered you from." She smiled. "Glad to have you two on board. Make yourselves at home, if you need anything, all you have to do is ask."_

" _Commander, Anderson would like to speak to you via comm. He's in the debriefing room when you're ready."_

" _Thanks Joker." Her feet pattered against the cool metal of the ship, she turned once more watching Wrex move his was to the lockers and Garrus started working on the computer that was attached to Mako. "Vakarian." Her turned, stilling his hands. "You mess up my ride and it won't be a pleasant talk." She watched as he tilted his head, but she heard Wrex laugh making her and Ashley join in. She shook her head as she entered the elevator, watching as the Turian gave a smile before turning back to Mako._

 _This was going to be fun._

She smiled at the memory, it had been almost 9 years since she first met the Turian with blue markings and even bluer eyes. He had charmed his way into her heart without even realizing it, though she could do without all the 'calibrations' he seemed to always be doing. Since the defeat of the reapers though, it had been close to 6 years since she last saw him, or any of her crew besides the Admiral who had been close to Anderson.

When she said it out loud it didn't seem like a long period of time, but it surely felt like it was more 100 years than anything. It had taken her nearly a year and a half to fully recover from her injuries when she destroyed the Reapers. She remembered laying there, broken. The ash was falling around her from the many reapers and ships that had exploded. The sky seemed almost at peace with the greyish blue, but she knew there were many warships above her, shouting and cheering that the imminent threat of the universe was dead. She could feel her breathing slowing, to the point she was now gasping. At least when she died, she could hear the peace and triumph of the many species around her. When she awoke again, she was surprised to find herself in a hospital though when she tried to speak there was something stopping her, causing her to panic. A doctor suddenly came into vision trying to calm her but it only made matters worse, suddenly everything went dark again.

She stared out the window, not quite sure what she was looking for, or what she was expecting. Her memory was foggy, small bits coming back to her whether she was awake or asleep. She recalled faces, names, even a few places she had been. Nothing seemed to reach out to her though, nothing seemed to have a "Aha!" moment for her.

It took a while but slowly she believed Admiral and his stories, that she was truly the best they had and that she always had to make the hard decisions regardless of how it seemed.

The Quarians and Asarians had worked tremendously hard on restoring them, causing disbelief and hope when they completed 3 years before they were supposed to.

Within the time of her waking to the time it took for the relays to be done she had managed to get her body back into shape, though her scars still remained prominent on her, a soft pink against her tanned skin. She had gotten tattoo's over the years, some similar to the ones she previously had before Cerberus 'restored' her taking all of them. she had small tattoos joined together on her arms and legs, some were that of the planets she had visited, others of objects that reminded her of her crew. The two large ones that drew attention the most when she was in her workout gear were the one on her back and chest.

The one on her back had large white wings across her shoulders and down the back of her arms, so when she moved them the wings moved with her. At the base where the wings met was a small golden symbol, it was in a triangle shape though it looked like a bird with two mall lines above it showing rank. Below it was the Earth, half of it destroyed with the other side thriving with life, next to it was Palaven, the same design only the thriving parts were facing each other. Behind both planets were Rannoch and Tchunka. At the bottom of the planets was an inscription reading "We will remember those who have fallen as we thrive in second chance we have been given to live once more." The colors played across her back, looking similar to the galaxy. The one on her chest wasn't as detailed or eccentric, but it had Turian markings, the navy blue played across her collarbone, dipping in and around her breasts and stopping just before her belly button. She knew what it meant to other Turians, it was a clear sign of what she was doing, though she didn't care, if she was never to see him again, if hadn't survive, at least she would have this to remember. The way the tattoo's and scars played together looked as though it how her skin had always looked, though the original scar she had on her face disappeared with Cerberus, because of the crash she had a new one that went from her right eye, across her nose, down her chin and ended at the base of her neck. Her right eye had lost some of it's color, only being a pale green compared to her left eye that shone almost like an emerald. In a way, it gave her an eerie look, though she wore her scars with pride, to her it was her proof that to live there is pain, and to over come that pain is to live. She threw on her t-shirt and black jogging pants, her arms revealed more tattoo's and burns though the burns were slowing fading. She knew her skin would never once be the same smooth, soft texture it had once been, but she felt that someday she wouldn't see them anymore.

Her omni tool beeped steering her out of her thoughts. It was an urgent message from Anderson, telling her to meet her in the large debriefing room across town. Sighing she made her way out of her small apartment, for her actions, the Alliance had set her up with a small apartment close to headquarters, but far enough she didn't feel like she was being watched all the time.

She made her way through the streets, watching as soldiers and civilians were all but sprinting towards the large government building she was headed to. She felt anxious and began running herself, unsure what was going on. She glanced over to the docking bay that had been rebuilt, a ship was docked and she recognized its shape. Instead of heading towards the building, she turned and went towards the ship, people slowly began to move out of her way when they recognized who she was. The closer she got the more her heart raced, she knew this ship, but from where? She stood on the ramp, her hand on the railing, and her other on her pistol, not entirely sure what to do. Her eyes roamed over the ship, noticing how there were sear marks all over, metal plates missing, though she didn't see any breaches meaning whoever was inside was safe. Her eyes widened as she saw the last of the letters faintly burned away, she hadn't realized she had spoken until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Normandy."

"Yes." She spun her head to find Admiral beside her, a large crowd was gathered behind them waiting for the doors to open. "They suddenly came into atmosphere when I messaged you, had I known, I would have messaged you sooner." She looked back up to the ship, her mouth going dry not sure who she wanted to see, if she wanted to see any of them or if they wanted to see her. Surely if they were here they got her message and they came? The doors opened, the pressure making a sound that hushed the crowd around them. She held her breath as she waited to see anyone, any figure come into view.

Slowly they began to emerge, first Joker and Edi, with joker hanging off her shoulders, limping as they walked towards her. Her first step faltered, but after the second she all but ran into their arms, careful not to break Joker, but wanting to crush him all the same. She pulled back and smiled as she looked between the two of them.

"Commander. We came as soon as we got your message." She shoved him lightly, making him Fein hurt.

"It's been to long Joker. To long."

"Commander, there are some wounded on the ship. Most are minor but they should be looked at. The ride through was rockier than one anticipated."

"Oh, come on EDI, you know I was the only one who could've done it!" She watched the two banter back and forth, smiling as though nothing had changed. The few flecks of grey were in his beard now, wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, he had aged but just enough you couldn't tell his exact age.

"Oh." He rotated so he was half facing the Normandy. "Normandy Crew, come great your Commander!" She let out a laugh as he tried to sound authoritive but it only came across as a kid trying to get his parents attention. Finally, they all emerged, some faces she recognized, others not so much, but the ones she recognized most made her smile even more.

Liara, Tali, Javic, Kaiden, James, Grunt, Jack, Miranda, Jacob, Kasumi, Chakwas, Wrex and finally Garrus. She watched them walk towards her, though Tali was the first to pull her into a hug.

"Kee-lah it's good to see you Jane." She squeezed the Quarian back, it was overwhelming to see her crew again, to see her family.

"I missed you too." Her eyes flicked to Kaiden, though a part of her still hated him, she was glad to see him live and well. She gave a nod to him and he returned it, walking around them with Joker and EDI in tow. Pulling back, she looked Tali over, that was when she noticed it and she all but screamed. She could see her face, though her helmet was still on, she could see the pale blue skin marked with purple, her big violet eyes staring back at her with her hair falling around her chin. "When did you?"

"I made some adjustments, figured now was a good time." She pulled her back in again, before pulling back and looking over at the Admiral.

"We have set up a med bay for those injured. We also have some rooms ready for the crew, Shepard can show those who are well enough as it is in her building."

"Of course it is."

"Does that mean we are room mates Shepard?" she heard Vega speak up as he walked pass, giving her a smile and a wink as he disappeared.

"In your dreams Vega."

"Always." They all chuckled as they made their way down the steps, though she didn't move, slowly she turned to find Garrus watching her intently.

"Garrus." She gave a weak smile, she wanted to reach out to him, embrace him, but the way he stood then told her it wasn't wise.

"Commander." His voice was cold making her flinch and still. He gave nothing away, just stood there staring back at her. "We will have to speak another time, I need to seek medical attention." With that he moved around her walking into the building without glancing behind him. She stood there holding back the tears that wanted to fall. Her hands clenched into fists, determined not to make it look like it bothered her. To others it looked as though she had given an order, but to her crew they looked at her with a pained expression.

Rolling her shoulders, she walked into the Normandy, she busied herself around the ship, helping any who needed the assistance. When the most of the injured were dealt with and off the ship, she allowed herself to roam. It was a little destroyed, some electronics, crates, cups and other items scattered about the place. They must have had a rough ride coming back, as good as Joker was, he couldn't avoid it all, as much as he would say he had. She stepped into the elevator, her breath hitching as it took her up. She had spent so long in a small apartment, it was loud, uncomfortable and didn't feel like home in the slightest. As she walked towards her room, she pressed the button. A sense of calm washed over her as she stepped into the room she had missed all these years. Surprisingly nothing had changed, except that in the tank there were no longer any fish. But her desk was just as she left it, with a few things scattered on the floor. Without thinking she began to pick up and place the items back where she remembered them to go. On the far wall, next to her desk were model ships, smiling to herself she remembered how the crew thought she was odd for spending so much money on the models when she could ask to aboard one of the ships, but to her it was her own little treat. Gathering things from across the galaxy, building her own little collection of junk. Her fingers brushed along the Turian ship, dust layered her fingers. Grabbing a cloth, she went to the washroom, damping it just enough and began dusting. Her mind wandered as she cleaned.

 _Her chest was heavy, every breath she took became further apart. She willed her eyes to open, pleading with herself to have the strength, it never came. At first there was pain, after awhile it seemed to subside, making her arms and legs numb. The rubble on her chest seemed to get heavier with each passing moment. She could hear the creaking and moaning of the disaster around her as it was crumbling under the fire that engulfed the area. It was now she wished she could see everyone once more, see their faces and hear their laughter. Be on the Normandy once more, the humming of the ship lulling her to sleep. Those bright blue eyes she always caught catching a glimpse at her when he believed she wasn't looking. The way the strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her safe. The talons that bore into her skin, just enough to send pleasure throughout her. His voice as he would whisper to her when no one was around to hear him. That smile he reserved for just her. The night before they went their separate ways, how she wished with every fiber she could go back to that night._

 _Her chest heaved once more, the last of her breath giving out. Her hearing was becoming echo, slowly drowning out everything around her, the scent of destruction falling short on her nose. This was her last moment, something told her deep down, this was it. There was no returning from this. She wanted to cry with her last breath as she would never see those eyes, hear that voice or feel his touch._

 _There was a beeping noise off to the side. It was steady, persistent, and highly annoying. She wasn't sure how long it had been going on, but every beep made her more angry and annoyed. Every day she wished her eyes to open, her hand to move, her mouth to say something. To tell those around her that she was there, that she wanted that annoying beeping to stop, yet no matter how hard she tried nothing worked. She could hear the voices and steps of people coming and going, though she didn't recognize any of them. Some even touched her face, or her arm, trying to reassure her or themselves, she was never sure._

 _She didn't remember when she woke, just that she did and that she laid there, her body aching but not quite in pain. She could hear people talking, but she couldn't place the words. All she could do was lay there as they came and went._

 _There was one that stood out against all of them. His voice was a little deeper, his touch a little softer. He would talk to her, tell her stories of their past adventures and missions. Vaguely she could remember some, but for the most part the faces that appeared in her mind seemed blurred. She would feel him brush the hair from her face, lingering a moment longer before resting his hand in hers. It was around him she wanted her eyes to open the most, to see who was behind the voice that was filled with such sorrow and longing._

 _She wasn't sure how long it had been, but finally her eyes started to flutter, each time she gained more confidence slowly willing then to open fully. It felt like glass was stuck behind her eyes, but she pushed more and more. Finally, they opened. It was blurry at first, the only color she could see was white, blinking a couple times she could make out the ceiling. Gathering courage, she tilted her head to the side, the walls were white and bare, and window off to the right though the shades were closed. There were two small chairs beside the bed under the window. To the left was a small table and monitors that were the source of the persistent beeping. She took in her surroundings, it was a hospital, where the hospital was, there was no indication of that. She peered down to her hands where there were some burn marks that licked up her arms. They didn't seem recent though they seemed to be almost fully healed. Slowly she sat up, pain shooting throughout her body as she did so, telling her to lay back down, but she ignored it until she was fully sitting. Her hair fell around her face, it was now touching just past her breasts. It confused her more as the last she knew of her hair it was fairly short. Lifting her left hand, she touched her hair, it was soft with a couple knots. Hearing the door, she looked up to see a doctor. She had short grey hair that fell gracefully around her face, small black rimmed glasses and a long white coat. She dropped the clipboard she was holding and ran to her side._

" _How.. You're not suppose to be awake for another month!" The woman ran her hands over her body, shining a flashlight in her eyes, checking her pulse and a multitude of other things. She tried to speak but it only came out hoarse, like a whimper. "You can't speak yet, probably will be a couple days before you can." She handed her some water. It was cold and refreshing as it hit the back of her throat._

" _H…ho….how l….long?" Her voice was low, hoarse and came out in spurts. She watched as the doctor bit her lip, eyes casted down. After what seemed like an hour, the woman finally spoke, her eyes full of sorrow._

" _A year and 6 months." She only nodded to the woman, looking down at her hands once again. It seemed like it was yesterday that everything happened. That she was laying amongst the rubble, allowing death to claim her. She remembered thinking of someone, but who that was she couldn't picture anymore._

 _Over the course of a couple weeks she slowly regained her ability to speak and write. Every now and again she would go into a bought where she wouldn't remember where she was or who she was with. They happened far and few in between, but with her nightmares it was almost impossible to get a full night's rest._

 _When she was cleared to finally start working, Admiral had approached her, the council had told him if she was fit for duty, her Spectre status would be reinstated and she would be Commander once more. She trained as hard as she could, building her body back to what it was before, her muscles aching each day, but she wouldn't rest until she was back to herself. What made it hard was all the scars the riddled her body. The largest one was from under her right eye leading down towards her ear and snaking its way down her shoulder ending just off to the side of her breast. It was very prominent, though most who knew her tried their best not to stare. She had another large one that was on her upper left hip and reached up to her ribs. She had more across her legs and arms, though they seemed to fade more and more each day, just the two that were determined to be reminders of what she went through, what she would've died for._

She hated how she couldn't recall the exact days of when she awoke, or the last moments she thought she was going to die and stay dead. She hated that some memories clashed with others, that some how it all seemed real and all somehow fake, not her own memories as though she was watching through a screen.

She stopped and realized she had made her way out of her room, and down to the mess hall. She was elbow deep in dishes, looking around she noticed that a couple chairs had fallen over and a couple plates, cups and other cutlery were scattered about. She felt her body tense all of a sudden, her brows came together at the sudden tightness of her chest. She turned and leaned against the counter, her knuckles going white as she clung to the counter. Looking up she saw Wrex standing at the other end of the mess hall, his arms at his side watching her. Her vision was blurring in and out and her breathing became almost like choked sobs.

"Not like you to have a soft side." She could hear the tenderness in his deep voice. She let out a choked laugh.

"Same to you Krogan." He gave a chuckle and stepped towards her, she could feel her body trembling. "Wrex..." Her voice came out weak, weaker than she knew he had ever heard her.

"He thought he lost you to you know."

"I thought I would never see him again." He shook his head.

"No, it was different." She felt her anger rise, pushing off the counter she reached for the hem of her shirt.

"Really?" Lifting her shirt, she was left bare except the blackened sports bra she wore, revealing the navy-blue markings across her skin. "It's different? Tell me how Wrex!" The Krogan watched her, his eyes roaming the markings. Shoving her shirt back on she moved passed him. "What because he is Turian and I'm human? That love is automatically different because of our species? That loss, pain and fear are all different?" She felt her knees wobble, wanting to give out from underneath her.

"Shepard. Jane, you need to calm down, I didn't mean it- "Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, his voice fading from her ears as she felt her body drop.

 _She waited against the railing which had a long table stretched across. She was nervous, not only was she not used to wearing a dress, she wasn't used to going on dates. Both were pretty much non-existent in her life. The balance of being a Captain, saving the galaxy and anything else everyone asked of her never gave the time for a personal life. She glanced up to see Garrus walking towards her and she automatically smiled as he seated next to her._

 _"So. A Turian on shore leave. You come here often?" She glanced at the female Turian who was standing a little ways behind them._

 _"Is this that first date thing we talked about?" He was looking around nervously making her nod her head and laugh. "Got it. Yes. Yeah. Oh, I come here often, good place to blow off steam. Scenery's not bad either." He looked out onto the dance floor meeting eyes with the same female Turian before turning back to her. "Though the view in front of me is even better." She rolled her eyes at him._

 _"Uhuh, that's supposed to melt a girl's heart?" She quirked an eyebrow at him._

 _"No. But this voice is….." He leaned in closer. "I'm Garrus Vakarian. Codename: Archangel. All-around Turian bad boy and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy." She rolled her eyes again. "Also, I kill Reapers on the side, and you are?"_

 _"Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy." She was laughing in her head, she wasn't making this easy for him, it was entertaining to see him flustered._

 _"Hmmm, Shepard huh? I might've heard a few things about you." She cocked her head to the side, giving a sweet smile._

 _"Oh? Flatter me." His voice got deeper when he spoke._

 _"Word is you're smart, sexy, a wicked shot. Also, you kill Reapers on the side too." She kept smiling at him as she crossed her arms._

 _"Right, and do most girls fall for that?" She challenged him which made him get flustered._

 _"Well, sure. You know, this voice and uhhh…. Uhhh.. I'm running out of banter here Lily."_

 _"Make it up, remember we just met." He looked out on the dance floor, then looked back at her, he had a mischievous look._

 _"Yeah, all the girls fall for it. Let me show you…" He grabbed her hand, pulling her to the dance floor causing her to panic._

 _"Woah…. What are you doing?" She didn't know the first thing about dancing._

 _"It'll be fun." He pulled her into an embrace and started to move._

 _"No, no, no, no, no, no!" She glared at him as he gave a chuckle._

 _"Been taking lessons on the side. Just follow my lead." His hand snaked around her waist, pulling her closer as he moved._

 _"You're going to pay for this later." He then spun her out, making her lose balance before he pulled her back in, whispering in her ear._

 _"Promises, promises."_

 _She shuffled along with him, the music picking up temp. She realized then it was tango music. He still glided her, allowing her to find the steps a she moved. He spun her on the spot, feeling confident she landed against his chest bringing her leg up, resting it against his hip. He looked at her tilting his head smiling before taking a step back, making her lean against him more. Slowly she started to get the hang of it, and then began moving her hips more to the music and movements she was doing. Intertwine her legs with his as they moved. He leaned into her ear again._

 _"Now you're getting it." She gave him a soft laugh._

 _The crowd had moved and formed a circle around them. He then spun her out and she emphasized her hip movements as she left his grasp, seductively standing in front of Vega. Earning a seductive look from him making her giggle. Then with a quick pull she was spinning back into Garrus's arms again landing against his chest. Feeling more confident she pressed a hand on his chest, moving her hips as she lowered herself before slowly coming up again. He then brought her close and spun her around the dance floor. The song coming to an end, he went to dip her, she slowly brought her leg up his, resting it on his hip as she leaned all the way back, exposing her chest to him. Slowly she brought herself up, staring at him before lowering her leg again. The crowd erupted and then proceeded to dance again._

 _"So, tell me, think a girl would fall for that?"_

 _"Oh, hell yes, I see you've been putting that reach and flexibility to good use."_

 _"You know it, and it gets even better when you try it in bed." She leaned into his ear, her voice becoming more seductive._

 _"I am a quick study."_

Her eyes opened lazily, looking around she was back in the hospital, though she was just laying in the bed. She smiled at the doc who looked at her worriedly.

"Hey Doc."

"Don't 'hey doc' me." She shone a flashlight in her eyes, checked her pulse then sighed. "You seem to be fine now, but you were out for almost 40 minutes."

"A lot to take in, guess I'm still prone to seizures?"

"That's the first one in years. Any idea what caused it?"

"Sorry, I was talking to Wrex and next thing I know, lights out." She snapped her fingers to exaggerate the effect. She swung her legs to the side, hoping off the bed. She went to leave the room, but turned at the last minute looking at the doc. "Leah, who saw?" The woman casted her eyes down.

"Wrex brought you in, though the Turian, Quarian and human saw you being carried in. The rest were the regulars who already knew your condition." She sighed and stepped out of the room. She grew fond of the Doctor, she reminded her of a softer version of Chakwas. She made her way through the halls when a soft arm grabbed her, turning to see Tali and Joker. She gave each of them a hug before stepping back, awaiting the questions that were coming her way.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, it's just the after effect from the crash."

"So, passing out and your body doing the disco is a good thing?" Joker was teasing her, but she could hear the worry in his voice.

"I have to learn to dance even when I sleep." She winked at Joker, making him laugh.

"At least you still got your humor."

"Jane, what's going on?" Tali reached out to her, lightly squeezing her shoulder.

"It's a long story."

"We're not going anywhere." Tali crossed her arms, she smiled as she missed the peppiness and stubbornness of the Quarian. Smiling she shook her head.

"I don't want to discuss it here, we can talk in my apartment."

"Should we gather anyone else?" She shrugged her shoulders.

"If anyone wants to listen, sure. It's not a pleasant story. I know some of you are a little angry with me, some more than others."

"I will go around and ask if anyone wants to join." She watched as the two took off, or well Joker hobbled off. Turning she made her way out of the hospital wing. The sun was still out and she could feel the warmth as it hit her skin, she took her time walking back. It was a short walk to her apartment from the hospital as they wanted to keep her close in case she had an episode. She hated it at first, but the convince of it did appeal to her. Stepping into the building she took the elevator up to the 18th floor. It was a 20-story building, it was built shortly after the Reaper attack, they had to build and repair as many buildings as they could for people needed homes and the buildings that had survived could only house so many. Open her door she walked in. It was only a one bedroom, walking in the kitchen was off to the right, a small island that divided it from the rest of the room. The large living room and dining room had a large bay window with a balcony overlooking the lake and neighboring buildings. Her furniture was simple, and black couch and two black chairs with a dark purple rug in the center, a wooden coffee table onto top. Everything pointed to the tv and fireplace. The dinning table seated 6 and was a long wooden table that had carvings on the top, in the center it was that of the Normandy all around was some of the planets she had visited. At first, she hated the idea, but over the years she grew fond of it and its craftsmanship. The walls held some paintings, most of them were splattered paint, nothing of importance or meaning. Tables, lamps, and small statues decorated everything. Her room had a large king bed with blue and white blankets with yellow pillow accents. The large wardrobe was at the end of the bed on the far wall with another small tv hanging on the wall. 2 small tables were on either side of the bed, one held some flowers that were now dead and the other her alarm clock. The large window took the entirely of the wall allowing the sun to be in her room all day. The bathroom was just as big as the one on the Normandy, the only difference really was that instead of metal everywhere it was white with a couple specks of color here and there. For a small apartment it was quite cozy, though it didn't quite feel like home. She moved to the kitchen and began cooking, when she awoke she experimented with food and found she was able to eat both dextro and levo food. It was odd, the doctors couldn't determine why she was suddenly able to eat the dextro, but she didn't complain. Unsure who was going to appear she began making both types, plus it would be nice to have another surprise for them when she started eating the dextro food.

An hour and a half passed, she was just pulling the food out of the oven when the doorbell rang.

"Unlocked!"

She heard the door open and several voices gathered in her apartment, not looking over her shoulder and grabbing serving plates she spoke.

"Make yourselves comfortable, I have some food prepared."

"I told you she was cooking!" She heard James and Joker laugh together. Tali came up behind her, amusement in her voice.

"Keelah, you can cook?" She handed one of the platters turning to bring the food to the large table.

"I learned over the years." Placing the food on the table she went and got plates and forks, passing them around the table. She grabbed cups and two large pitchers of water. She sat at the head of the table, her knee propped up as she grabbed some of the dextro and levo food. They gasped and looked at her, realizing they didn't know she gave a nervous laugh.

"Different story another time." She watched as they all hesitantly started to plate their food, soon they relaxed and became themselves, they way she remembered them from before. Tali was to her right, beside her was Liara, at the other end of the table was James with Garrus standing slightly to the left, EDI was beside him and to her left was Joker. Wrex and Grunt stood at the end of table, clearly to large to sit and join the table, but they still grabbed some food. Jack kept to the couch, grabbing a plate and filling it, she was glad that Jack had come, some part of her thought the friendship would be hard after everything. She smiled as she looked around, most of them had come. She assumed it would be to weird for Kaiden, and Javic she knew he liked to be on his own, though she wondered where Kasumi was. After a couple minutes of them all eating Joker was the first to speak up.

"So, what's this long story you have to tell us?" Her smile dropped, her eyes fell to the plate in front of her. Knowing she wasn't going to be able to dodge it, not that she wanted to, she sighed.

"I was barley alive when they found me amongst the rubble at the base of the beacon. When they did find me, they had to restart my heart 3 times before I was able to move."

"Why would they keep trying?" Tali was the one to speak, she smiled softly at the Quarian.

"I guess they thought that if I died, it was truly the end. I wasn't really awake to tell them to stop." She sipped her water before continuing. "The Doctors told me I was in a coma for a year and six months, when I did finally wake it took me nearly 4 years to get healthy again. I wasn't able to walk, talk, much less feed myself for the longest time."

"If you were awake all this time, why didn't you get on a ship and fly out?" She smiled at Joker.

"If I left Earth in search of all you, I wouldn't have found you. You were already on the move by the time I was able to fully fly. Staying on Earth was my best option." "At first I didn't remember anyone. I didn't know who I was, who Anderson was. Took almost a year and a half for me to remember everything, and even still, there are some spots that are missing key points in memory." She glanced up and saw them staring at her, but the one she met was Garrus's eyes, his stance seemed to relax some, but he was still standing tall, as though not to let any of this affect him, lowering her gaze once more she continued.

"Doctor Leah wanted me to reach out, it's when I thought of sending out a message to you guys, hopefully the message would reach you and you would come to Earth." She looked down and saw her hand was starting to shake, she closed it into a fist and placed it under the table. Her left hand came up and touched the scar on her neck, it made its way from her left shoulder, up her chin, across her face and stopped just over her right eye. It was clearly visible but not as fresh as it once was, it was fading with time though still enough for people to stare. "They were surprised I was alive, that I managed to stay alive." Her hand dropped once more.

"What was the memory you remembered today?" Liara pipped up, popping another piece of food into her mouth. "By the way, you're an amazing cook." They laughed together all nodding in agreement.

"Just one of us being at the Citadel, drinking and dancing." Her eyes flickered to Garrus before looking at Joker.

"There were plenty of those!" Joker laughed again, high fiving with James as they laughed.

They all sat like that, telling stories and laughing like there was no time that they had missed. It was the first time she smiled so often and so genuinely. They hadn't realized the amount of time that went by until the room lights came on, looking out towards the window they noticed the sun had set. She stood and began gathering all the plates and taking them to the kitchen. To her surprise it was Garrus that helped her with the dishes as the others continued to talk. She began to wash all the dishes as he continued to bring them in, placing them on the counter next to her. When he was done, he leaned his back against the counter, watching the others in the dining room. They said nothing as she continued to clean. Wiping the counter and drying the dishes, putting them back in their rightful place. She was on the last couple dishes when he finally spoke, his voice low enough so the others couldn't hear, not that they would with all the laughing going on.

"What do you remember?" There was a hint of agitation in his voice, though he was trying his best to mask it. She didn't look at him, just continued what she was doing.

"For the most part, everything. Though some memories clash with others, it's as though I watch them through someone else's eyes. I have been reassured though that I have most of my memory back." She stopped drying one of the plates tilting her head to look at him. "I remembered you first." His head snapped to the side, his plates showing he was surprised. She shrugged her shoulders, "I didn't remember your name, not at first, but I remembered your voice." She smiled at the memory. "No Shepard without Vakarian. Slowly your face came to me, then I just started remembering everything. Today I remembered when you managed to get me to dance." She dropped her gaze and began putting the dishes once more. Her hands began to tremble once more making her stop, placing both hands on the counter she sighed.

"What did you expect Garrus? A fall like that…." Her voice was low, soft and had the hint of agony. She watched as the water ran from the faucet, she really had nothing to explain herself to him, at least that's what she kept telling herself.

"I expect you to be dead." She stilled at the words, how his voice was devoid of emotion. She stood there for a couple minutes, not sure what to say, even if she wanted to her mind remained blank. The way she moved to face him made the collar of her shirt move, the V-neck showing just enough for him to take a step forward, startling her. With a careful finger, he moved the collar to the side revealing the blue markings, she heard him take a sharp intake of breath. Before he could say anything, she brushed of his hand, taking a deep breath.

"I didn't expect to be alive either!" She hissed it through her teeth. "Yet here I am, standing and breathing and the person I want to see most tells me he expected me to be dead." He took a step towards her, but she moved out of the way, her voice low enough so he could just hear her words. "I guess there is Vakarian without Shepard." She changed her features as watched as Jack glanced at her, but she placed a hand on Joker's shoulder, her voice coming out cool and calm.

"So, you still the fragile little flower I knew on Normandy?" They all laughed together as Joker tried to sputter some response.

For the remainder, they were there she made sure to avoid Garrus. The others seemed to pick up on it but no one said a thing, for which she was grateful for. She hadn't seen these people, her family, in years and she wasn't about to let him take that from her, something she craved but didn't know what it was she craved.

Slowly they began to make they're way back to their own rooms for where they were staying for the next couple weeks. They told her stories of how they were all surprised to hear Joker calling for them, telling them they were going to head back to earth to see if anyone was still alive, though they all knew he meant her. She was glad that they had managed to stay together, it had been a struggle over the years of traveling but somehow, she managed to keep them together, as though she was the giant mother hen. Without her around she was happy to see that somehow, they had managed to get along and become closer. When the last of them left she closed the door, her head resting against it as she sighed. Turning she made her way to the stereo and played some music, she stood there and swayed, slightly twirling her and there, it was her own therapy, one the doctor approved of. She suddenly stopped when she heard the next song play, her brows came together as she tried to place where she heard it before, she felt tears falling down her cheeks as the lyrics hit her, replaying the memory.

 _What day is it? And in what month?_

 _This clock never seemed so alive_

 _I can't keep up and I can't back down_

 _I've been losing so much time_

 _She gave a soft laugh as Garrus twirled her making her land against his chest as he swayed. His voice low, almost like a purr._

' _Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose_

 _And it's you and me and all of the people_

 _And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you_

 _All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right_

 _I'm tripping on words_

 _You got my head spinning_

 _I don't know where to go from here_

 _He spun her again, placing a hand on her hip and taking her hand in the other and began to dance around her bedroom. He was smiling as she gave soft giggles as he kept singing to her, she felt her heart beat hard and fast against her chest._

' _Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove_

 _And it's you and me and all of the people_

 _And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you_

 _Something about you know_

 _I can't quite figure out_

 _Everything she does is beautiful_

 _Everything she does is right_

' _Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose_

 _And it's you and me and all of the people_

 _And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you_

 _And me and all of the people with nothing to and nothing to prove_

 _And it's you and me and all of the people_

 _And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you_

 _He brought her in close, planting a soft kiss on her shoulder as they swayed towards the end of the song, his voice slowly becoming a whisper._

 _What day is it?_

 _And in what month?_

 _This clock never seemed so alive._

She gasped for air and clung to the small shelf of the fireplace, her legs began to tremble, the tears coming harder and harder. She remembered that night, it was the last night they thought they would ever see each other again. They had spent the night drinking wine, watching movies, dancing to music and eventually becoming intimate. That song was the last song she heard before everything had happened, she had to leave but he insisted on giving her once last good memory so she would go back to him.

She finally let her legs collapse under her as her breathing became shallow, she tried desperately to calm herself, but no matter how hard she wanted to calm herself she couldn't stop the feeling washing over her. She was hunched over, her arms wrapped around herself and she began rocking, her eyes closed. The more songs that came on the more she clutched to herself, the more she wanted it all to stop, she remembered most, wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough that she knew a part of her loved the Turian and he no longer felt the same? Wasn't enough knowing she would have to live with that he truly wanted her to be dead? She wanted to call someone, go somewhere but she couldn't think of who to call on, the only two that popped into her mind were Jack or the Doctor, but Jack wouldn't know exactly what to do in this situation. With shaky hands she messaged Leah, as much as she wanted Jack here, she also needed a doctor as much as a woman's opinion on what was happening.

In a matter of minutes, the door came open though she didn't turn to see who it was she just remained on the ground, rocking herself back and forth, a pair of arms came around her and she could hear them shushing, trying to calm her down. Her mind raced and ran in circles trying to figure out everything but she couldn't concentrate hard enough on one thing. She felt herself becoming dizzier, her vision blurring and her body becoming heavier. She felt something prick her arm but she couldn't be bothered to move her eyes to see what it was, soon she felt herself falling, her eyes rolling to the back of her head when the faded memories would come to her as dreams.

The sun felt warm on her face, causing her to stir, she moaned as her body felt unbearably heavy.

"The sedation will wear off within the hour or so." Her eyes slowly opened to see both Tali and Leah standing there. Glancing around she noticed she was in her own room, looking back at Leah she noticed she was in her pajamas.

"Tali?"

"I saw the Doctor running and when I saw her enter your building I got worried."

"The others?"

"They are not informed, I wanted to but Doctor Leah told me it would be best not to." Slowly she sat up, her head still slightly dizzy but it passed when she took a couple death breaths.

"The last thing I need is for everyone to see me sedated."

"Shepard, they would be more concerned with your health if anything." She gave a dry laugh causing Tali to flinch.

"All but one."

"Jane?" She waved her hand to dismiss it.

"Look, I'll talk about it later. Right now, I want something to eat." She swung her legs off her bed, standing she gave herself a minute before moving towards the kitchen. Shouting behind her she offered to cook them all breakfast.

"Well, I guess it's better than going home at this point."

She began cooking in silence, she could feel their eyes on her back but she ignored it as best as she could. Her head began to bob as she remembered the song, the memory was still freshly embedded but it didn't hurt anymore to allow herself to remember. She began plating when Tali spoke first, cutting the silence.

"You're humming that song." She looked up at the Quarian, shocked and concerned on how she would know that.

"How did y-"

"When we all believed you were, dead, he confided in me. Told me stories." Tali glanced at her hands. "He was grieving Jane. The one he told the most was the one he cherished, it was the last time he saw you."

"He didn't say anything…" Her voice came out just barley above a whisper, just loud enough for them to hear it.

"How could he?" Anger rose in her, her hands trembling, she looked at the both of them.

"He could say something other than wanting me dead!" She watched the confusion and horror play across their faces. "He could say that he was hurt, that he never wished he would see me again! He didn't have to tell me he wanted me to stay dead!" She was all but shouting now, tears falling her body shaking.

"Jane…. Do you, still, love him?" she threw her arms in the air exasperated.

"What the hell do you think! The first thing I remember is about him, the easiest memories to come back were of him!" she grabbed her plate and made her way to the table, slamming it hard making the eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast jump ever so slightly. The other two followed suit, silently sitting, they all ate, staying silent. When she started playing with the remainder of her food she sighed, her voice calmer. "I thought it would be easier. I knew it was going to be hard, but to feel like this…."

"Give him time."

"Really? Time? I spent just as long as him believing he was dead, that all of you were dead. Even with memories coming back it hurt to remember because it brought so much pain. There was no way to know you were alive." She looked at the both of them. "He was the first thing that I remembered and he was the first person I wanted to see come back to me." She pushed her plate out in front of her, making her way to her room she pulled out black shorts, a navy-blue tank top and a black sports bra, leaving her tattoo's fully exposed. Slipping everything on she grabbed her socks and headphones. She grabbed the spare key and tossed it on the table in front of them. "Lock up when you're done, you don't have to clean, I'll do it when I get back. Before either one of them could say anything, she left her apartment. She pulled her hair into a high pony tail exposing her scar completely, putting in her headphones she hit the one playlist, it was a mix of old and new songs. They were upbeat, she had chosen songs that for the most part matched her jogging pace.

Reaching outside it was warmer than she initially would have liked, but made her way down the steps anyways. At the bottom, she heard her omni tool go off, ignoring it she turned up the music and began jogging down the street. Her jogs usually lasted around an hour, depending what route she wanted to take, she decided today was a pier day. Turning right at the intersection she made her way through the park. It wasn't as lively as it was before, the trees were still trying to recover from the reaper attack, but most of the bushes had grown back. Some trees were still blackened by the fires that broke out, it was a long process but it would slowly become what it once was. At the end of the park she made her way across the street, it wasn't that long of a street, cutting off after a couple buildings before turning into the large pier walkway that lead out to the ocean.

Reaching the end, she stopped and started to breath evenly, trying to calm her racing heart. The sun was beating down on the ocean, a couple clouds scattered across the sky and the slightest breeze going by. Closing her eyes, she felt the wind and warmth, it gave her goosebumps as her body wasn't sure if she was to warm or to cold. As the songs were changing she heard her omni tool beep once more, rolling her eyes she looked down to see two unread messages. Sighing she opened them, one was from Admiral, asking her to meet him in his office. The other was from Doctor Leah asking her to stop by the hospital as she wanted to run more tests. Grinding her teeth, she turned and began to jog her way back to her apartment.

Opening the door, she glanced into the kitchen noticing the dishes were done. Kicking off her shoes she made her way to the shower turning on the taps and waited for the temperature to be just right before hoping in. The hot water rushed over her skin instantly soothing it.

She let her mind wander, mostly to how her memories were hitting her harder than they had in a long while. She could only assume seeing everyone were brining new triggers for her bringing forth memories she didn't know she had, or that anyone could tell her. She closed her eyes, letting the water run down her face. Her heart ached, she knew it would be hard to see him again, she knew it would bring some sort of pain, but she didn't expect him to be so cold. She didn't know who she was, who she was supposed to be or anyone around her. That in itself was painful, to hear stories of her friends, her family, to listen and to believe it is an entirely different person they are talking about to sudden have memories that don't feel like your own. She was lost for so long, and she truly believed she would be for the rest of her life, until she saw him. Standing there, alive. Seeing him made her believe she was truly Jane Shepard and not some ghost everyone clung to.

Sighing she turned off the shower, stepping out and drying herself. She divided to braid her hair, leaving it off to the side on her right shoulder. She slipped on a slim pair of black leggings, a purple tank top and zipper hoody that had the old N7 logo that was now faded and barley visible. It was much to large for her, hanging off of her hiding her figure, it stopped just past her butt clinging slightly to her, but after awhile she remembered who the sweater belonged to, it somehow brought her comfort knowing he had worn it, that he had given it to her to keep for the nights he couldn't be there to comfort her nightmares. There were a couple stitching lines as holes now began to form throughout it. For as often as it was worn it was still in fairly good shape. Sliding on her runners once more she made her way back to the building that was next to the hospital, it was now considered a military base, it was supposed to be moved, but since it was so close to the pier and hospital, they decided to keep it. They had fortified and completely fixed the building, the rooms were now offices and most of the hallways were knocked down to make large gathering/debriefing rooms. Admiral's office was on the 31st floor in the far back corner, it faced the inner city, though he didn't seem to mind, he liked watching people move about their day as they once did before the wars. He was sitting at his desk typing away at his computer, she cleared her throat making him double take at her before smile and making his way towards her. He brought her into a hug before stepping back. In an way, he had become a father to her, always there when she needed someone, always making sure she was on the right path.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Ah, yes!" He walked back to his desk, rummaging through some files before finding the right one, he handed it to her, a giant smile on his face. "It's your decision, but I would like to think you would take it." She looked at him confused but opened the file. It was her file, everything on her in the past 5 years, from her recovery to her mental state. The doctors writing was clearly Leah's.

 _Should the patient wish to undergo travel once more, with some supervision she is approved to return to duty should she so chose._

 _Doctor Leah Arline_

She looked back up to Admiral whose smile seemed to be even larger.

"You mean?"

"Yes, within a weeks time the Normandy will be back up in the air and headed for the Citadel. The council wishes to debrief the crew, and its Commander." Emotions ran through her, though she couldn't stick to one, taking a deep breath she calmed herself.

"What about the seizures?"

"The lovely Doctor told me as long as there is a Doctor on board who is familiar with you and your condition, she doesn't see it being a problem. She noted that the seizures were becoming few and far in-between."

"Yes, but being on the Normandy could bring on more memories, and then more seizures."

"True, but that is why there will be someone with knowledge on your condition there." She bit the inside of her cheek, keeping quiet. As much as she was thrilled for the opportunity, would the team really follow her orders once again after 5 years?

"I would like the team to decide."

"Ja-"

"No, it's been 5 years. If they want me back as Commander, then I will join the Normandy crew once more. If not, then I will continue my life here." She watched as he looked slightly hurt, but he only nodded in understanding.

"Very well. You have until the end of the week as that is when the Normandy is scheduled to leave."

She nodded her head and made her way out of his office. Bringing up her omni tool she messaged Joker.

-Joker, please message the others and tell them I would like to have a gathering when they have a moment.

-You got it.

She made her way to the hospital, she knew which room Leah would be in, and most of the doctors and nurses knew who she was by now so they just waved her through. As much as she would miss this place, she was glad she wouldn't have to stay in the hospital anymore. She gave a soft knock on the door, slowly opening to see Leah gathering a couple charts and folders together.

"Jane. I'm sorry about this morning." She waved her hand in the air.

"No, it was my fault, I was very emotional, with everything."

"Still, we should be more understanding, especially with everything that has happened to you."

"I hear you cleared me for space travel?" She watched Leah's eyes narrow, she knew she caught on that she changed the subject, but Leah knew her well enough that when she was done talking about something, that was it.

"Technically, yes I did. Though you will need to choose a Doctor and I would need to debrief them on your history. It's why I am gath-"

"If I go, would you be the Doctor?" Leah stilled her movements and slowly looked at her. "I mean, I don't know if you would want to give up your life here, but if the team wants me back, why not have the Doctor whose been treating me the entire time?"

"Are you serious?" She dropped her gaze.

"Sorry, I know it's a lot to ask, I just-"

"I would love to!" She looked back up to the woman who was know jumping up and down with excitement. "I would love to see the Citadel, to actually travel and see the universe! Are you kidding? Who could pass that up?"

She busted out laughing causing Leah to cross her arms and pout only to make her laugh harder. When she calmed the tears willing to fall.

"I was not expecting that." Leah gave her a soft smile.

"Despite my personal reasons for wanting to go with you, I know it will be nice to have someone who understands you. Understands what you went through. It would be nice to know you have someone fully on your side."

"Thank you, Leah." They smiled at each other, maybe this would-be life changing for both of them, maybe getting off the planet would help her some more, maybe it would be her doom, but she was excited regardless.

-x-

They had decided to meet on the Normandy, she had assumed it would make them feel more at ease than being somewhere in one of their rooms, or her apartment once again. They were in the middle of the kitchen, all seated at the large picnic like tables awaiting for her to speak. She bit her lip and played with her fingers, Leah wanted to be there with her, but she was finishing up her other paper work just in case everything happened.

"Come on Shep, we've been waiting for like 10 minutes!" She looked up and Tali smack James arm.

"Obviously this is something important, we can not rush these things." Tali's voice sounded as though she was scolding a child, though James only crossed his arms and stared down at the table. Sighing, she took a deep breath, keeping her eyes on her fingers that were now picking at the sweater lint.

"Admiral has informed me that should I- you guys want it, I am-could-will be reinstated as Commander." She cursed herself that she still stumbled over the wording even though she went over it in her head numerous times. It was silent, after a couple minutes she finally looked up to see them all staring at her, she realized then they wanted her to continue. "Uh, I, um, well, see…." Clearing her throat again she took another deep breath. "Doctor Leah would join me, to keep an eye on my condition as she is the one who has been there since day one and knows the symptoms better than anyone. I would be leaving with you guys at the end of the week when Normandy takes off to the Citadel. Anderson said that I could simply take it and I would just suddenly be your Commander once more, but considering after everything these past years, I thought it would be only right that you guys would have that decision."

"You're not messing with us right?" She looked up at Joker, who was trying to hide a smile. She shook her head and his smile only grew.

"You mean you could really come back on the Normandy?" Tali stood, her voice high and excited.

"Leah had given the go ahead, so yea, I could come back."

"Do we really have to discuss this?" James rolled his eyes and huffed his head falling back.

"No, we don't." Liara stood, they all smiled at her as they stood.

"Welcome home, Commander Shepard." She busted out laughing as they all saluted her, Tali and Liara ran over to her bringing her into a massive hug. When they released her they all came up to her one by one, all bringing her into a large hug. Except for one. He stood off to the side, leaning against the wall watching her, she couldn't read his expression but they way he stood told her was unsure of what to do. She gave him a slight nod, and he returned it, his body relaxing know that he wouldn't have to approach her.

They hadn't left the planet but she knew this was going to be a long, tedious trip.

-x- Couple months after they left earth -x-

Everything had seemed to go back to normal as though in the years nothing had changed. They all went to their usually spots that she remembered them in, and every day she made her rounds. The only thing that seemed off was how they treated her with such uncertainty, as though she was fragile, more so than Joker. Usually her conversations lasted about 20 minutes, catching up on stories, what they had been up to, that is except for the Battery. Every time those doors opened her heart would leap to her throat, and instead of being how she was with everyone else she would just simple ask if he was settled in alright and if he needed anything, and each time he would say he was fine, and should he need something he would message her. It lasted less than 10 seconds, but it felt like agonizing hours passed in that small amount. When it came to dinner time, she was usually the one cooking as they seemed to beg for her food. She told them once they were done at the Citadel, she would have to make these types of dinners once a week, just to make sure they didn't run low on supplies, but they assured her they would just get the right amount of ingredients so she could continue cooking for them. It seemed as though she was mother hen and her children refused to eat anything but what she put in front of them. She was flattered of course, the way they all seemed to accept that she was suddenly in her life, alive and mostly well.

Doctor Leah seemed to be more than thrilled to be on the Normandy, and every day she would thank her for the opportunity, though she believed James had a small part to play. They seemed to be awfully close in the short amount of time they met, but who was she to judge?

Tonight, was different though, they all stopped by, gathering a plate full of food and by the time she was done they had all seemed to disappear just as fast, telling her they were all to busy at the moment to actually sit and talk. Something told her they were up to something but she decided to ignore it. Finishing her own plate, she made a left-over plate for Garrus, he seemed to not join them for dinner, but every time she made him a plate, in the morning it would be gone, he either threw it in the trash or actually enjoyed her cooking. She smiled at the thought, and began washing the mountain of dishes that had piled up over the day. She was amazed that they were all grown and still had trouble washing dishes. She didn't mind though, to her it was something else to do among the duties of Commander, it made her feel as though she was still just regular Jane, not Commander or friend, just, Jane doing the dishes.

As she washed she began humming the song from the week they left. It had been stuck in her head the entire time and no matter how many times she listened to it, or tried to binge listen to another song, she couldn't get it out of her head. Leah assured her it was a regular thing for it to be so irritating but calming. She continued to hum, saying a couple words out loud under her breath, before continuing to hum. Rinsing the sink one last time she shut the tap off, drying her hands and went to go to her room, she reached around the counter when his voice was low, almost a whisper, sounding doubtful and hurt.

"You remember that night?" Slowly she turned to see him standing there, arms hung down, eyes wide and brows together. Her mouth opened and closed a bunch of times but she couldn't find words, she could feel tears welling up, so she swallowed hard, imagining there was an ice cube behind her eyes, stopping the tears from falling. She shrugged her shoulders and pointed to the fridge, not wanting to talk about it, least of all in the middle of the kitchen where easy ears could listen.

"There is a plate in the fridge for you. It's a new recipe, so I hope you enjoy." She gave a weak smile and turned on her heel, trying desperately not to sprint to the elevator. When she reached it, she hit the button to her room, careful not to look back into the kitchen. The door was almost closed when a hand shot out, stopping them. Looking up she saw him step into the elevator, as the doors closed behind him he stood an arms length away, staring her down.

"Why didn't you say anything?" As much as she wanted to cry, her anger rose.

"Why would I!" He cocked his head to the side, clearly not understanding her. The elevator doors opened once more and she shoved passed him making her way into her room. "EDI"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Do not disturb mode, please."

"Of course, Commander." She watched as the orb disappeared and a red light came on the small dashboard. She hear him walking behind her, not sure where to sit she opted for the chair that matched the couch. She brought her knee up to her chest, her fingers lacing together on top of her knee as she waited for him to sit. She really didn't want to be having this discussion so soon, but she knew it was going to happen eventually. He sat on the edge of the couch, leaning forward with his elbows rested on his knees watching her.

"I told you I remembered mostly everything."

"Mostly everything." She shot him a glare but he only held her stare..

"What did you want me to say? That the first thing I remember is meeting you in the Citadel just before meeting the council. Coming back to life and finding you under the code name Archangel only to have a missile launch at you with the fear of losing you once again." She stood, she pointed a finger at him as tears ran down her face. "You were the first I remembered and I'm still remembering! All the little things to the big things. From when you would play with my hair to help me sleep to when you were so nervous you would tell me you were in the middle of calibrations." It was the first time in 5 years she truly felt angry, it was almost new to her as she hadn't experienced it for so long, not to this extent. She grabbed a cup that had been left by her this morning, a little bit of water remaining as she hurled it across the room, glass shattering on the ground. Her head whipped back to him where he was looking at her shocked. "Then, after years and painful memories, thinking I would never see you again and would only have these." She pointed to her head. "I finally see you and you brush me off. Then the second time I see you, you tell me you expect me to be dead! Now that you realize I remember things you want to know? How the hell am I suppose to deal with that?"

"How am I suppose to deal with you being alive after I grieved!" He was now standing, his own hands balled into fists. She took a step forward jabbing a finger in his chest. Her voice came out low and between her teeth, almost as though it was a growl.

"I had to watch what I heard, saw, ate, felt because I would get a memory of you for something. I went years trying to pick apart my own brain as to why I was remembering this mysterious Turian. When I did remember, I had to grieve, I believed that I would never see you again, so don't you DARE tell me that this was only hard for you. You had 6 years to grieve for me, I had 6 years to remember and lose you only to get you back and lose you again." She lowered her arm, but maintained her gaze at him, never wavering.

"It seems we're at an impasse with how we, feel."

"No, you just don't want to believe I was alive all this time and didn't come find you." She watched his mandibles flare.

"That hurts, yes, but that is not why I am angry."

She took a deep breath in, pinching her nose she calmed herself, the last thing she needed was a panic attack on top everything. Taking a step back she gestured to the door.

"Look, can we do this another day? I'm sure shouting at each other isn't the way."

"Of course, Commander." He gave her a curt nod and made his way to the door. She closed her eyes and turned, even if he did look back at her, she couldn't watch him leave.

"And for Christ sakes, stop calling me Commander…" She heard him sigh but when he spoke it made her jump.

"Alenko." She whipped her head around, eyes snapping open. Kaiden stood there in the open doorway but was blocked by Garrus who tensed and almost seemed to refuse to move. She smiled to herself, hoping some part of him remembered how things ended. Kaiden shifted back and forth, wanting to come in but unable to.

"What is it Alenko?"

"I was hoping we could talk. In private." He glared at Garrus who didn't move, just tilted his head ever so slightly. She sighed, so much for working out alone.

"Sure, I was just about to head down for a quick workout." She headed to the door, Garrus turned to the side letting her pass and stepped behind her. She stood in the elevator with Garrus to her left and Kaiden to her right. The doors opened and Garrus stepped out, she rolled her eyes as she knew he was heading to the battery for 'calibrations'. The door opened once more, they were now in the Shuttle Bay, in the far corner was where Vega was set up, just off to the side he had set up a sort of gym for the ship. She found she came here much more than she would like to admit, though none of the crew seemed to mind how much she had to let out her own frustrations. She slid her shirt off, her red sports bra stood out with the small N7 on the side. She was now just in her bra and jogging pants, kicking off her shoes she rolled her shoulders and swung them, glancing over at Kaiden she gestured for him to come forward. The crew had gotten over her bold tattoo's though the only one who seemed to never be around to see them was Garrus himself, he caught glimpses of them, but he was never close enough to fully see the meaning behind them.

"If you want to talk, that's fine, but you'll be participating." He took a hesitant step forward, his eyes roaming her body taking note of the tattoo's across her skin, noticing that she was serious he strapped on his own gloves and made his way toward her. They circled each other, taking and giving blows.

"I wanted to talk about us." She caught his wrist, stopping their movements, she took a step closer, her voice lowering.

"Careful Alenko." She shoved his hand back to his chest and they begun again.

"I don't know what you remember, but I was hoping we could, you know p- "She grabbed his arm and hauled him over her shoulder making him smack into the ground. She leaned onto his chest holding her fist slightly above his face gesturing she could hit him.

"Patch things up?" She rolled her eyes and stood, stepping back a couple paces allowing him to stand up.

"After everything, I had time to think. I just, what I did was wrong, and over the years I realized I'm not over you and thinking I lost you for good- "

"No." She watched his expression change from confusion to anger. He stepped towards her, his arms at his side, but she kept up hers, knowing how anger can cloud someone's judgement. His voice deepened, his eyes narrowing.

"Don't tell me you still like the Turian?" She crossed her arms, watching him with steady eyes. "Jane, I'm better than he was, at least I didn't give you the cold shoulder when I saw you."

"Even if I did, that's not why and you know that. You also didn't show to dinner, he did."

"You're holding that against me? I just thought you wouldn't want to see me." Her own anger began to boil, she took a step forward, jabbing a finger into his chest.

"You're right. I don't." He grabbed onto her wrists, spinning her so her back was against his chest, her own arms pinned against her chest. She felt his breath on her ear, making her entire body still.

"Come on Jane. I know you only dated the Turian to get back at me. You can't make me believe that you're over me. You were devastated." Her eyes darted around the room, a few crew members had gathered around, she met Vega's eyes who only looked worried and guilty. She didn't understand why he wold look guilty until she saw the doors open and Garrus walked through. After everything they still believed she was uncappable of handling things herself.

"Let me go Alenko." His hands slightly loosened allowing her to break from his grasp, kicking a leg out behind her dropping him on the ground, but he was on his feet as she turned to look at him. Her hair had fallen out of its braid, her long purple hair now hung over her shoulders making her look almost crazed in her anger.

"Jane, how many times do I have to apologize?" He took a step forward she took one back.

"You've apologized enough, that doesn't mean I want us back." She gestured between them, disgust clearly in her voice. "I dated a Turian." She pointed in the general direction of Garrus. "I dated Garrus because I actually cared for him." She took a step forward, her hands balling into fists. "I would never date you again, that proved to be a mistake all on its own." She could feel her anger and anxiety rising each minute, more crew members had gathered around. She knew she was visibly shaking, though they would only think it's her own anger.

"You remember?"

"I remember you cheated on me, you didn't even let me get my coat off before telling me. Then, when we get assigned to the Normandy you try and 'patch things up' only for me to find out that you slept with Ashley." She bit back the tears at her late friend, Ashley was the one who came to her, telling her about the hookup and how back she felt. They had actually become close friends, after her death she all but ignored Kaiden unless it was needed for the mission at hand. "You betrayed me, lied to me, and you want me to take you back? It won't happen Alenko." She spun on her heel, making her way back to the elevator door, she could feel Garrus's eyes on her. Her arm was jerked back, causing her to spin. Her arms were pinned again between them.

"Jane, you don't like him, I know you still love me." She wished she could send daggers with her eyes, because she so desperately wanted to beat his ass.

"You're right, I don't like him." She watched as his smile grew. "I love him." His smile fell, his face void of any emotion. Before she could do anything, his lips were on hers, at first, she did nothing, the act surprised her, though this was how Kaiden was. Her panic washed through her as a large group of their crew were gathered around her, from the corner of her eye she could see Garrus, though she couldn't fully see his face. She tilted her head back and slammed it into his bottom lip, he staggered back for a moment. Before he could recover she grabbed either side of his face, her knee connecting with his jaw sending him stumbling back, he wiped the blood from his lip and lunged at her, she only twisted grabbing his left arm and kneeing him in the gut. She kept hold of his arm as he fell, she twisted his arm around his back as he lay on his stomach, kneeling on his back for extra effort.

"You so much as look at me the wrong way and so help me Alenko, the galaxy won't be able to hide you from me. Am. I. Clear?" He nodded his head, she tightened the grip on his twisted arm. "I can't hear you soldier!"

"Yes, Commander!" She stayed a couple seconds longer before standing. She looked around the room to the confused and startled faces. She ran her shaky hand through her hair, moving it out of her face as she walked towards the door. She saw Garrus make his way towards the door with her, she turned at the last minute as the door opened, her voice coming out harsher than intended.

"Back to work! Show's over." In unison, they all saluted and shouted, 'Yes Commander' and began running around the bay to their correct stations. She made her way to the elevator, not glancing once behind her at the steps following her. Her entire body was trembling and her breathing had become uneven but she maintained composure as the elevator doors closed behind them. There was no music, just the sound of her ragged breathing as the elevator made its way up to her room. She was thankful that her room was on a different level all together.

When the door to her room opened she was greeted with the soft music she had left on earlier that morning. She all but ran and threw the radio across the room, shattering it as it hit the halfway where her desk stood. Garrus stood in the doorway watching her but she kept pacing, not sure what she should do to ease her mind.

They had all treated her as though she was terminally ill, that any minute she was going to burst into flames and never exist. It had been months, they had talked to the council, even gone on a few recon missions and they still had treated her like she was porcelain, easily breakable. She had remembered all the hard decisions she had to make, all the people she lost, how she herself knew she shouldn't be alive. The amount of emotions she felt over whelmed her each day, causing her to put on a smile and pretend, but she couldn't do it every damn day, every time someone wanted to confess their feelings, the way the felt about anything and everything that had to do with her it put her into another guilt shame, she was more angry than when she left Earth and nothing seemed to sooth it. She stopped, her entire body shaking, her eyes glued on the Turian standing in the doorway.

"What?"

"Vega messaged me about- "She pointed at him, her eyes narrowing.

"No. What are you doing here? Now?" He pushed off the door way and gave a small bow.

"I'll take my leave then." She screamed at him, making him still and began pacing again, her arms flailing about as she screamed.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! This is. is.. is fucking bullshit!" He turned to face her, watching as she paced. "You all treat me as though I'm a child, afraid to tell me no, afraid that one day I just won't be there! If you didn't want me as Commander then you shouldn't have let me back on the Normandy!"

"Shepard.."

"No Garrus!" She spun to see him standing at the top of the small steps. "You can't play both!" She clutched her chest, not realizing her breathing had become so ragged black spots came into her vision. Tears started to fall, she could feel her knees wanting to give out. Her voice came out weak, low and tired. "You all want me to forget and you want me to remember. You want me to remember certain aspects, certain memories and hopefully eraser everything else. You all want me to forget the past yet you're set on me remembering the pain I've caused. I have my own bloody demons to live with!" Her knees finally gave out, her breathing becoming a mix of hiccups and coughing.

"Commander. I am reading high levels of stress on your body, should I alert the Doctor?" EDI's voice rang through the room, she tried to speak but her own voice seemed to be gone. She clutched her head, she could hear more talking but she could feel herself slipping. She pinched her nose, taking in deep breathes, she could hear him walking towards her, but she continued to focus on her breathing. After what seemed like the appropriate amount of time she opened her eyes once more.

"I'm fine EDI, just a little stressed."

"Yes Commander." She looked back to the Turian who was looking at her with concern.

"You agreed, you all agreed to have me as the Commander once more. To be aboard this ship. Yet you treat me as though this is my first time, I have seen things that will never be burned out of my mind, envisioned things, nightmares." Her anger melted away as her body tired, she was so tired of this, of this stupid dance. She sat on the couch, her head falling into her hands, the couch shifted beside her. "Garrus, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going back and forth of if you want me with you, or dead."

"Jane…. I don't know what I want, what I want to happen with us. It's…"

"Hard." He chuckled then, light and low.

"Yes. Hard." They left it at that and he let her cry, her sobs becoming a full break down shaking her body until she couldn't breath properly. He had brought her into his arms, her legs hugged to her chest and his arms around her, she wanted this to mean so many things, but she was over come with emotions she just allowed the simple fact of just comfort to take over.

Her eyes slowly opened, looking at her hands they were almost white for how tight she was holding onto Garrus. Lifting her head slowly, she peered at him, realizing he was still asleep, she pulled back more looking over his sleeping face. His head was back, leaning against the back of the couch with his mouth slightly opened. His arms were lightly draped around her, though still pressed firmly into her skin. She brought her hand up, lightly grazing his right cheek where the large scar spread across his lower mandible. Her brows furrowed as she recalled that day, remembering how the fight seemed to be over only to have a missile hit him, she truly thought he was dead after finding him. Even then, with Cerberus, she wanted to find him, he was always the first thing she seemed to want to find, to hold onto. It had been like that since she first allowed him to join her crew, every mission he was there, watching her through a scope. Somehow, she felt more at ease with him on the battle field, watching her back, she had an unwavering trust in him that she thought she would never find again let alone in a Turian. She was brought back when she felt the mandible move under her fingers, glancing up she was welcomed with the ocean blue eyes watching her. Her hand retreated though stayed in the air between them, unsure where to place it. She felt her cheeks go hot and she stood, looking down she realized she was still in her workout outfit, he now had clear view of the tattoo's across her skin. She ran her hand through her hair, untangling the mess it had become. She heard him stand though she didn't face him, not sure what he would think or say, she then felt one of his talons lightly brush over her back making her still at his touch. It made his way up, pausing here and there before making his way up between her shoulder blades, pulling slightly on the back end of her bra revealing the Archangel symbol. He tapped it a couple times before taking his hand back.

"I'm sorry Shepard." She spun to face him, finding his head slightly down, looking away from her. She shoved at him, causing him to regain his footing, he snarled at her.

"Now you're sorry?" She shoved him again, her anxiety subsided, but her anger re-emerged.

"What do you want Jane?" She went to swing at him but he dodged moving to the side, but she spun connecting her elbow to his chin. He wrapped her arms behind her back, pinning her against his chest, she could feel his breath on her cheek as he leaned over her shoulder. "You want me to apologize and then you don't." She headbutted him, her leg catching his as his grip loosened around her wrists. Using the momentum she hurled him to the ground, attempting to pin him to the ground.

"Get out! Get out!" She all but screamed at him, she threw a punch but he caught it, using her own momentum to propel her sideways and pinning her on her back instead, her arms pinned above her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, unwilling to meet his gaze, she choked back the tears that wanted to spill.

"Jane." His grip tightened on her wrists. "Jane, look at me." Slowly her eyes opened, she met the clashing blue with her green. Tears filled her eyes as she choked out a sob. His other hand went to the side of her face, his thumb whipping the fallen tears.

"You think you're the only one hurting? You think you're the only one to grieve alone?" He stilled at her words. "I put these markings on me for a reason, I put _your_ markings on me for a reason." She was now in full sobs, her vision blurred from the tears. "How do you not get that?" The last part came out as a whisper, her eyes tracing the markings around his face. She lightly pushed him away, making him roll to his side as she stood. She made her way to her wardrobe, grabbing one of the many N7 sweaters she had and a pair of black jogging pants. She then went on to braid her hair, her eyes fixed on the floor as she did, not sure what to say to him. They both seemed to be fixed on their feelings on the events, she didn't want to be anymore, she wanted to be by his side like they used to be. Biting her lip, she racked her head, the only thing she could do was tell him everything, in detail, from the moment she fell out of the beacon, to the moment she opened her eyes and didn't know what was going on. It would be a long hard story, something she was sure he wouldn't want to hear anyways, but just maybe she could get him to talk about what the years did to him. What he thought when he finally got her message in time. Not meeting his gaze, she faced him, playing with the end of her braid.

"Look…. We have a busy day ahead of us. When we finish on Noveria, we can talk, properly talk. No yelling, no mean slander, talk about the years, what we did, all of it. I don't know if it will help, but I'll let Joker know not disturb unless the Normandy is on fire." She finally looked up to see him relaxed, looking at her.

"I'd… I'd like that." She gave a weary, shy smile and gestured towards the door. They walked into the elevator together. It was awkward, but not the awkward before, now more of what they were going to say. When the doors to the elevator opened she stepped out, stopping on the door line to make sure they didn't close.

"If you're up to it, I'd like you to come with me and Jack on this one." He shook his head.

"You might as well just send her in then." She smiled.

"But who is going to count the kills?" He crossed his arms.

"So I'm just the goal keeper then?" She placed her hands on her hips, smiling even bigger.

"I was told you're a little rusty with that rifle of yours, Vakarian." She took a step forward, allowing the doors to close behind her. He took a step closer to her as well.

"Careful, Shepard, I might just have to embarrass you on your first mission out." She poked his chest, tilting her head to the right slightly, arching her eyebrow.

"I'd like to see you try." He leaned in further, they were now inches apart.

"You're on." She noted the way his voice dropped, it was the same way when he was excited. They stood like that for a moment, inches apart looking at each other. Her eyes roamed over his face, the way the scar played across his face, the markings fading but still there on the side. She loved the way the blue played against his grey skin, the way somehow it stood out more than other Turians who tried to use the same blue. She landed on his eyes, she was always amazed on how bright of a blue they were, reminding her of a clear sky in Summer, and how they changed with his emotions, turning into the darkest of ocean blue some days. She watched him a little longer before realizing just how close they were, and how they had gone back to their old bantering as though nothing else had mattered. Tearing her eyes from him she stepped back, the elevator doors opening once more. She knew he could read her vitals, that her heart was going a mile a minute in her chest.

"Be ready at the airlock in 30." She gave a quick nod and bolted from the elevator before he could say anything. She made her way to the bridge where she knew Joker and EDI were. At first she always hated walking through everything, the way everyone was hushed around her, either nodding in her direction or saluting her. Now, it seemed as though they went back to how things were before, talking, laughing, acknowledging she was now on deck. She made her way up to Joker and Edi, keeping her footsteps quiet as they talked.

"I do not think that would be wise Jeff."

"Oh come on! It would be fun, imagine the site."

"It would be beautiful, but with the wrong gust of wind, your spine could potentially break."

"And why would his spine break from a gust of wind?" They turned to face her, EDI was working on her facial expressions, so she took note that the way she smiled was a tad creepy, but much better than when she first became a walking AI.

"Jeff wants to go parachuting."

"Seriously? Parachuting? With brittle bones? Are you asking for a death wish?" She crossed her arms and stared at him. He rolled his eyes and threw his arms in the air.

"With the right equipment….. Oh, forget it! You guys are no fun." She highfived EDI who returned to tapping away at the control panel in front of her.

"How far out are we?"

"We should be able to land in about 20."

"Thanks Joker."

"And Commander?" She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him, he was fully turned towards her. "Try not to get killed, be a shame for your first mission." She rolled her eyes and walked down the hall.

"I'll be fine Joker."

Making her way to the elevator she waited for the doors to open. Stepping in she pressed the number 5 button, Shuttle Bay. She knew she could change in her own quarters, but changing near the Mako seemed to just give her less time running around than needed. She saw Garrus clicking on the last bits of his armor as she approached and of course, Jack was leaning against Mako, still wearing her usual outfit of pretty much nothing. Opening her locker, she peeled off her sweater and jogging pants, trading them for leggings and a tank top before slowly slipping into her armor.

"See, now why go through all that, when you could just wear the leggings and tank and have the bad guys keel over from your body." Looking over her left shoulder she saw Jack smiling.

"Because as much as I don't want to wear the armor, I also don't feel like losing a limb, or three."

"Or a missile to the face." Jack pointed to Garrus who was looking over his rifle.

"Hey, the ladies love the scars." This made Jack laugh, she was glad that with the promise of battle, they had fallen into their old banter, it would be nice to not have to worry about how awkward they would have to be. Clasping the chest piece into place, she grabbed her helmet and rifles, her pistol finding its home on her right hip. She had stuck to the original Normandy armor, with the jet black, white and red going down her right arm. She knew she could upgrade to a heavy armor, but she liked having the ability to move gracefully and fast, plus it helped that people recognized it as her, that no one else had her armor tailored to her in the way it was. The upgrades she did do, was that it was almost skin tight for her, she hated feeling like the armor was moving in every direction in the middle of a fight, though she knew it would hurt more if she were to be hit but it didn't bother her, it hugged her curves, the only bulges were the ammo packs on her hips and her guns that were attached to her back and thigh. Opening the door to Mako, she climbed in with the two of them, Garrus to her right and Jack behind her. Placing her helmet on the ground between her and Garrus she took her braid and twisted it into a bun, pinning it in place.

"You should just shave it." She looked at Jack through the mirror.

"And be like the rest? Nah, I like standing out." Jack laughed, settling in her seat.

"I hear that."

"Commander, we're just about ready." She flicked a couple switches, turning Mako on and reading for the fall.

"Ready when you are Joker." From the corner of her eye she saw Garrus holding onto the door, making her smile. "Still don't like my driving eh Vakarian?" Just as he turned the landing doors opened and she lurched Mako forward, making him grip the door harder and Jack laugh hysterically, she joined in as they fell towards the planets surface, last second she flipped the thrusters on, it wasn't a gentle land, but it was enough to make Garrus glare at her.

"Was that really necessary?"

"Yup. Can't have mother Garrus driving like old mother hen." Her and Jack continued to laugh as they made their way across the terrain, heading towards the Cerberus fighter base. She stopped the Mako just around the bed of rocks, blocking it from view. It was close enough that they had time in their suits to use the oxygen and fight without worrying about timing. They watched as 4 soldiers made their way back and forth. Two stayed near the door, as the others walked back and forth around the corners. She watched a couple minutes longer before taking her own rifle out. Looking through her scope she saw the camera just above the door, it wasn't moving, but it was pinned on the 2 soldiers in front.

"Take the one on the left when he walks around the corner. I got the right. Jack, you charge in, distracting the two in front."

She watched from the corner of her eye as Jack made her way around and Garrus got his own rifle ready. As though they all counted to three, shots rang off. In seconds the soldiers dropped, swiveling to watch the two by the door run forward towards Jack, she was about to shoot when both bodies dropped. Looking up she saw Garrus looking at her, though she couldn't see his face, she knew he was smiling.

"3-1, not looking good Shep." She gave him a light shove and stood, returning her rifle to her back.

"You cheated."

"Oh? So, I shouldn't have taken a shot that had two heads lined up?" she groaned and began walking towards the compound, with Garrus chuckling behind her. Reaching the door with Jack, they walked in. There was no one in the first area, which only meant there was a lot of them in the next room. She allowed her helmet visor to move away from her face, Jack and Garrus doing the same. She smiled at them, there was two ways to do this.

"Guns or silence?" Jack rolled her eyes and Garrus only smiled. Clasping her helmet on once more she readied her assault rifle. She counted down from three with her fingers then bolted into the room, there was equipment and large shipment containers scattered everywhere, but she could see the few soldiers running around in panic, as she threw a grenade to her left. They spread out, she was to the far end of the room, Garrus slightly in the middle and Jack staying by the door. They laid down fire best they could, Jack and her shifting every now and again, making sure Garrus was able to take out most of the soldiers stupid enough to show their heads. He had moved a couple containers up, moving up next to him she saw a solder to her right, heading straight for him, but he wasn't paying attention, reloading his rifle. Switching out her assault for her pistol as she jumped over one of the containers.

"JACK." She didn't have to look to know the woman would come to aid. Garrus was about to hop back up when she reached his foot, yanking him down again as she fired over the container, blue biotics flung the soldier away from them. Kneeling down she looked at a confused Garrus, the both of them opening their visors she smiled smugly at him.

"12… Maybe you are a little rusty after all?" He yanked her closer, and she heard the shot of his rifle go off, she didn't have to glance behind her as she heard the body drop to the floor.

"12. Should pay more attention." They were inches apart, she could feel his breath on her cheek, meeting his eyes, she could see the want in them, though apart of it was the adrenaline from the fight.

"I was to busy saving your ass." His eyes flickered over her face, and he finally gaze her a slight nudge back, bringing her visor over her face to mask her blush creeping over her face as they took down the few remainder soldiers. She knew he could read her vital signs, and one day she was going to take that visor, make him see with just his eyes, not that damned thing. When they finished she let Jack and Garrus go through the shipments, deeming what could be brought back to the Citadel and what was garbage, she made her way to the room on the second floor that had a computer on a very small desk. Hacking into it was easy, but the information she found made it hard to swallow. Cerberus had been busy, that's for sure. They had been trying to not only track her down, but any who were involved in her "experiment" they were trying to find out if she had an implant or not, if somehow, after all of this, they could once again claim her, control her. She felt herself become nauseated. The more she read, the more she hated Cerberus, the Illusive man, the entire mission that took place for her to come back only to be used as a puppet once more just for different people. She downloaded the information, her anger rising once more as she stepped out. She didn't say a word as they made their way back to the Mako, she didn't laugh at Jack's jokes, or try to speak when Garrus attempted to get her attention. They made their way back to the rendezvous point for Normandy to pick them up.

When they arrived back on the Normandy she didn't stop by the lockers to take of her armor, or drop off her guns, she made her way down to the debriefing room to contact the Citadel. It took several tries but when she finally got through, she was none to pleased to find just the Turian and Asarian councillor standing in front of her.

"Where are the others?"

"They are currently busy and send their regards."

"Right, I come back with Cerberus's plans and they're suddenly to busy?"

"Commander, you should watch your tone."

"Call me when you are _all_ available for information that _I_ risked my life and the life of my crew to get." She slammed the button down and terminated the connection. It was back to the same damn game they always did. She made her way to her chamber, not stopping to greet anyone, though she knew from the look on her face, they wouldn't try. Stepping into the elevator she began working on her armor, carrying it into her chamber only to through it on the ground, not caring that it would be in the way. She made her way to the bathroom, turning the shower on and stepping in. She didn't care that her clothes were on, she sank to the bottom, her knees curling against her chest as the water rushed around her, soaking her to the bone. Her head resting against her arms and she cried.

She was so overjoyed that she was back on the Normandy, but it didn't feel like what she had hoped. The people were the same, the Normandy was the same, everything seemed the same, except her. She was not suppose to have survived the Reapers, she was not suppose to come back and command everyone once more. She wasn't suppose to be a mission, she wasn't suppose to be controlled. She screamed into her arms, not wanting to deal with it all. Her mind only went in circles, maybe she didn't have an implant and if she did, the Crucible would have disabled it, right? If she did have an implant could it be reactivated? Could it be removed? Was it in control of her emotions? What would Garrus say? Would he still view her the same or walk away and leave her behind? Could he except that she was not the same Shepard as before, that she was now fragile, she hurt more, she felt _more_. That everything around her was heightened because as much as she remembered, it all felt like it wasn't hers to remember, as though going through a strangers memories. The only thing that kept her grounded was him, the way he looked, smelled, smiled, laughed, got angry, shot his rifle. The way he was kept her grounded and made her feel like home, but she couldn't force him to do what she wanted, that she couldn't do. Instead she screamed and cried as the hot shower turned cold, making her shake and tremble beneath it, but she could make herself move. She could hear a voice, lifting her head, she didn't see anyone, shaking it off she placed her head down again. She kept hearing it but she believed it to be something else, maybe just her imagination, her mind finally losing control, until she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders. The water stopped, but she continued to shake, looking up she met his gaze, there was no anger behind it, just worry and concern. Without thinking she clung to him, her arms going around him, her head resting in his neck and she cried into him. He slowly lifted her, her legs going around his waist as he carried her out. He sat again, keeping her on his lap, though his arms tightened around her as she continued to sob into him.

She wasn't sure how long she cried, but she noticed that his talons were making patterns on her back, she could hear him humming but she couldn't make out the song. Tilting back she looked at him confused.

"What are you humming?"

"It is a song from Palaven, has no words, more of a Turian thing." She thought it over, tilting her head as she thought.

"So almost like purring? You keep it amongst yourselves or someone close." He chuckled lightly.

"Yes, though we don't stop humming in front of others, purring is more….. intimate." She gave a slight nod of understanding. She then felt a mass shiver go through her. "You need to get into drier clothes, though it didn't seem like you were listening to me."

"You were speaking?" He chuckled and helped her up and began picking up her pieces of armor as she went through her drawers.

"Yes, even in the washroom, though you didn't seem like you wanted words."

Something in her snapped, she stilled her movements as she looked into the drawer. She wondered why she hadn't seen it before, maybe from moving the clothing around it hid amongst the shirts. Surely she would have seen it? It was a deep blue and black box, a small bow on the top. Her fingers were shaking and she could hear him saying something, but she paid no attention, the box was soft, like the finest fabric one could find. She opened it to reveal a ring, it was a thin black band, a diamond in the center with three smaller blue stones on each side. The black metal intertwined between each stone before meeting in the center encircling the diamond. The combination instantly reminded her of Garrus, his colors. Words were inscribed on the inside of the ring in beautiful writing she didn't understand. The memory flooded her, she looked up at him to see he also stilled, his hand still outstretched to her but unmoving from where he stood.

 _He caught her arm once more, before she could leave the comfort of her quarters, knowing full well she would have to be Commander Shepard until it was all over, until they succeeded in taking down the Reapers. She smiled at him sweetly, wanting to stay, but they both knew she couldn't._

" _Garrus…"_

" _Please. Shepard. Jane." He grabbed her hand, kneeling on his knee. She recognized the gesture and her heart hammered against her chest. He cleared his throat and began. "I don't know the exact custom of humans, but I have done enough research to know what this means to them, what it would mean to you." He pulled out a small box, showing the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen, the colors reminding her of him in the most romantic way. It shone against the lights in her room, making her smile brighter, why he thought she would need something like this baffled her, but she appreciated it all the same. "Jane, I have never met someone whom made me… want to bond. Especially to a human. I know going into this we ma-" She broke his speech planting her lips on his, her arms encircling him as he did the same, chuckling into her before pulling back._

" _We will survive this, and I will say yes." He brushed back the hair from her face, as her fingers ran over the scar across his mandible. It amazed her as well that she would not only fall for an alien, but fall so hard she couldn't imagine her life, her routine without him. It was intoxicating to know he felt the same, that the longer they stayed tangled in each other's arms, the harder it would be to let each other go. Standing she took his hands, taking the box from him and tucking it away in the drawer. Closing the drawer she turned to him, beckoning him with her finger. He stalked her like prey sending shivers down her spine. She grabbed onto the front of his shirt, tugging hard with a smile on her lips as he whispered to her._

" _No Shepard without Vakarian."_

When her head cleared once more, he was no longer standing there, the box on the floor, falling from her hands. A wash of emotions came over her, anger, sadness, happiness. She couldn't decided which one she wanted to feel more.

"EDI."

"Yes Commander."

"Tell Jack and Tali to meet me up here and to bring their finest."

"Of course."

She paced around her room, occasionally stopping to say something into the air, waving her hands about. She had changed into loose track pants that were black and held the N7 logo down the left leg. She had grabbed a black tank top, deciding against a bra as the state she was wanting to be in didn't require one. She hadn't heard them come in, or sit until Jack sent a small wave of biotic energy in her direction. She whipped her head to yell only to find the two of them smiling, drinks ready in hand with hers on the table. She went to her desk, grabbing the box and slammed it into the table before downing her own drink.

"So it's one of _those_ nights." Jack chuckled and refilled her cup. "What's in the box?" She slid it over to them, allowing them to look at it. Tali gasped, swearing in her own language, though Jack whistled and swore in their own. "Fuck dude…. Did he do this just now? Is that why he looked like he just saw a ghost?"

"No…. He told me, but I thought…. He did this the night of the Reapers?" Tali looked between her and the ring. "Keelah…." She downed her drink pouring herself another before downing that one as well. "You didn't remember?"

"Wait, wait, wait! He proposed to you the night of the Reapers and you didn't tell me!" They all took another shot. She ran her hands through her hair, groaning at the situation.

"I told him I would say yes if we survived it…. But I didn't remember, not until I found the box. When the memory faded, he was gone."

"And you didn't go after him because?"

"Because a part of me wants to kill him. Actually, kill him." She took another shot, shaking her head at the burn before pouring another one. "I'm tired of this dance we're doing, that he avoids me one moment the says he wants me just the same. I find this bloody thing and he all but runs!"

"You ever think he was afraid you would say no?" She looked up at Tali, blessed this woman, she was genuinely curious and didn't know the impact of that question. She stood, pushing the straps of her tank top down, shimming it so it was just above her breasts revealing the blue markings, turning she showed the Archangel as well. Turning back to them she fixed her top.

"Tell me Tali. If the person you loved most was believed dead, and then one day you find them standing in front of you. Your markings, your emblems, things that resembled who you were, are and your race on their body permanently, to find they held you with such regard they etched those markings into them forever cause the feelings they felt burned into their soul every day, allowing the memories to stay in their mind fresh and always there. What would you say? Would you tell them you expected them to be dead? Would you expect them not to love you as the same as they did when they first told you they loved you? Would you expect them to turn from you?" she watched as the woman sat there, loss for words, startled out of her thought as Jack laughed and smacked her arm.

"Jesus Jane. Don't give the woman a heart attack."

"I would expect them to not hold the same feelings, to hold them in a different light, who is to say the love they feel is truly what they felt all those years ago? Not just some faint piece of mind they clung to in hopes that things would be normal once again."

"I-"

"Ok!" Jack slammed her fist on the table, startling them. "Every time someone mentions love, ex, sadness, or any bullshit that makes this a serious night, you drink!"

"Jack you don't even have anyone."

"Drink!" Jack smiled, pounding her shot back as the other two sighed and did the same.

Hours had passed and her mind was swirling, her and Jack were trying to help Tali back to her room, though with the three of them completely intoxicated, it seemed more effort than it was worth. Even in the elevator they managed to stumble and fall on the ground, tripping over nothing. They laughed and giggled their way through the halls, few of the remaining crew were still up, but decided to look the other way as though they were never there in the first place. It was the first time she was drunk since, well, since the last time they were on the Citadel in the apartment she had for the couple days. She remembered that night, where she kept having to stop Zaeed and Garrus from setting up traps. She was surprised she could handle as much as she could. When they finally reached Tali's room, Jack helped her to her bed.

"I… I think… I think right here is fine…. Yup… Ni-night commander!" Jack laid on the floor next to Tali's bed. She laughed nudging Jack with her foot to find the woman already snoring. She made her way out of the room, leaning against the wall the room slightly spun, she could see the room though everything was slightly blurry. The mess hall wasn't as dirty as she thought it would be if she hadn't cleaned. A few plates, cups scattered though that seemed to be it. The room was dully lit with the lights now being in night mode. Her eyes settled on the Battery door, pushing off the wall she walked towards it, stumbling a few times and giggling to herself though still moving towards it when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning she saw Alenko, she outwardly groaned and crossed her arms.

"What?" She had to blink a couple times, hoping that he would merge as one person once again, it took a couple tries but finally he was just one.

"Do you need help back to your quarters?"

"Nope." She popped the p for extra effect, giggling once more.

"Are you-"

"Yes Alenko." He lightly grasped her arm, giving her a slight tug towards the elevator. "Alenko. I said I'm fine." Her toned dropped, her Spectre voice coming out, but it didn't move him and he began walking her towards the elevator.

"I just don't want you to do something you might regret."

"Like dating you? Or the Turian?" He stopped and whirled so he was inches from her face.

"You…." She placed a hand on her hip.

"What? You going to explain it was all a mistake that ' _I'm so sorry Jane, please forgive me, I have changed'_."

"You refuse to see that I have! That fall must have knocked the common sense right out of you if you're still thinking about that, that, thing!" She dropped her arms, her hands balling into fists.

"Alenko. Pick your words carefully." He laughed at her.

"He doesn't even want you Jane, yet you still peruse him. Why not go for someone who actually wants you." He went to reach for her but she was already swinging, the sound of her fist hitting his chin the only thing heard. She heard the door behind her open, but she didn't turn.

"You do not get to tell me what to do." He watched her with eyes that bore into her, she could feel his own anger fighting with her own.

"I do when you don't know what you're doing. You've been dead twice now, we've lost countless lives and yet the only thing you think of is that damn Turian. At least with me you would still be thinking of your duty."

"When we land on the Citadel, you are relieved of duty on the Normandy. I have warned you time and time again Kaiden. You are allowed your own opinions, that much I have allowed, but to sit there and determine my own choices are based around one person is shameful not only to yourself but to the Alliance. If you did not like the choices I made, you should not have agreed to go under my command."

"See? Even now you're protecting him by sending me away!"

"No, I am relieving you of your duty because I need a crew that has my back with what ever decision I make. That they know what I choose has no bearings on personal feelings. You, Alenko, are the one who is getting personal. I do not need someone who is angry and filled with jealousy that could jeopardize my crew and get them killed."

"The Admiral will hear about this."

"I will see to it that he does." She watched him walk away, when he rounded the corner she shook her hand, the pain radiating as she didn't realize how hard she had hit him. Turning she found Garrus staring at her. "What?"

"I heard voices, I thought there was… Are you alright?" He walked towards her reaching out to take her hand gently, her knuckles were already bruising though she only felt it when he poked at it, the alcohol in her veins sang, her blood boiling at his touch. Without thinking she grabbed hold of him and dragged him back into the Battery, closing the doors behind them before pushing him against the console, jabbing a finger into his chest.

"Why'd you walk away?" He tried to brush past her, but she stumbled in front of him, blocking his way. "No. I want answers."

"Jane you are intoxicated, I don't think-"

"Answers. Now." Her voice dropped again, she crossed her arms and stared him down, she would follow him around the ship if she had to.

"When?"

"When I found the ring." He ran a hand over his face before rubbing the back of his neck.

"I got scared. I didn't know if you remembered it and chose not to talk about it, but when you stood there, your eyes glazing over I knew you hadn't and I wasn't sure if you would be angry or happy so I took off. Though I see you're dealing with that pretty well." She rolled her eyes.

"I got Jack and Tali to talk to me, as well as drink. Liquid courage and all." She snapped her fingers then lifting her left hand, wiggling her fingers. "How'd you know my finger size anyways?" She revealed that she had been wearing the ring, making his jaw drop, his eyes darting from her to her hand.

"I… Why are you…." She brought her hand out, turning her hand this way and that, watching the stones dance in the dimmed lights. Shrugging her shoulders she looked up at him once more, walking towards him until she was only inches away from him.

"I thought it was clear Vakarian." When he didn't answer and cocked his head she let out a laugh, jabbing her finger into his chest once more. "Isn't wearing another's clan markings considered a marriage proposal? Telling the world that you are bound to another?"

"I thought you did that to show how you mourned."

"No, the planets on my back are for those who have perished. But these?" She pointed to her chest. "These were my way of saying yes, my way of telling your spirit that I would be with you until my last breath." She stepped back, pacing once more. "I've been through so much these past years that anyone else would have caved, would have given up and just be done with it all. To find out that Cerberus is still wanting to find me, to control me, to make me their puppet infuriates me, but not nearly as close as you rejecting me, not after everything we have been through. I thought out of everyone, you would be the one to understand that the most. I-"

She was spun around, before she could finish his mouth was on hers, making her gasp at the sudden movement allowing his tongue to dive into hers. She was still for a few moments before melting against him, her body coming alive in a way she thought she would never feel again. Her lips tingled at the sensation as he kissed her with such urgency, want and passion. His arms wrapping around her, bringing her in further as she brought her arms around his neck, fingers playing with the soft spots between his fringe. There was a spot at the base of his neck that when she dug her nails into he growled and purred at the same time. She smiled against him, though her mind didn't remember where to touch, her body still knew. After awhile, he finally pulled back, resting his forehead to hers.

"I was angry Jane. Angry that we didn't go back to get you off the damn crucible. Angry that you were still alive and I didn't believe hard enough that you would survive. I was angry for not having more faith in you, then more angry that after all these years you still had me on your mind as though nothing ever happened. That you bore my marks, and you wore them proudly, even if I were to reject you, you kept them on display, even getting them after everything. I can not explain to you how much that means to me."

"Garrus, I-"

"Commander! We have Cerberus ships incoming! I don't know how they followed us, but they've locked on."

"Oh for crying out loud!" Garrus chuckled in her arms making her smack his chest lightly. "I don't know what you're laughing about Vakarian. You have to suit up and follow your drunk Commander into battle." He fixed a piece of her fallen hair, neatly tucking it behind her ear.

"Always."

 **A.N. – THIS IS NOT DONE YET**

 **I wanted this part up, as long as it is. I did like the way it ended but it also left a lot of questions open, so I decided for you guys I was going to post it and work on the other chapter, which will hopefully be just as long.**

 **If you have any questions, confusions, or idea's I should add/change, please message me!**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed and you will enjoy my next chapter.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Garrus slammed his fist on the desk. He recalled gathering the non-combatant crew members, getting them to the escape pods just in case as Cerberus boarded the Normandy. They all took different area's and possible entries, even the ones they used. He remembered seeing her one moment, then the next everything seemed to stop. Cerberus was now leaving, almost retreating in someway. When they checked every area of the ship and made a jump, Cerberus didn't follow them. It wasn't until they relaxed for the briefest of moments that she wasn't around, she hadn't made orders, she hadn't said a word.

She wasn't on the Normandy anymore.

Cerberus got her, and the Normandy was pissed.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"Jane, you need to try." The doctor gripped her leg, trying to get it to fully extend.

"Yes, because I am clearly NOT trying." She let the comment slip through her teeth, making the doctor roll his eyes.

"Glad to see at least your attitude hasn't changed." He shook his head, standing and helping her off the bars, letting her sit back in the wheelchair. "Tolith has been telling me that you haven't been eating again."

"Of course, she has, she hasn't liked me since day one." She crossed her arms over her chest, letting out a slight huff.

"No, she does like you, you just haven't been the easiest patient."

They remained silent as he wheeled her back to her room. The hospital was mostly full, but they had kept her in one spot in the hospital. Close to the amenities she needed to recover while also under heavy surveillance. She both loved and hated the attention, all the men and women here watching over her could be out there, helping rebuild the destruction that was now Earth. He rolled her into her room. It was small, enough for maybe a second bed, but instead they opted for 2 chairs and a small table, in case anyone wanted to visit, which was down to one person and the rest were doctors and nurses, coming and going, always poking and running tests. He helped her into bed, bringing the small blankets up so she could get comfy, or as comfy as she could in hospital beds.

"I know how stubborn you can be, but I do have a request of sorts." He placed a hand over hers. Making her inwardly curl in on herself at the touch. "Try like you actually want to live, it's not every day you survive a fall like that." She pulled her hand from his, glaring.

"I fell from orbit and was managed to be put together. I know, more than anyone, what I am capable of."

"Stubborn." He patted her shoulder, shaking his head leaving her alone.

She was well aware that she should not have survived, that jumping back through the beam, was foolish if anything, her face soured at the memory.

 _She was panting, her breathing became harder with each step she took, even harder when she was dragging Anderson with her, but on good conscious she couldn't leave him, not alone. Her vision had spots but she ignored them, she was so close she could feel the slight heat from the beam that would take her back down to Earth, they would land in rubble, destruction, but she didn't care, as long as they were out of the Crucible, they would be ok._

 _They had to be._

 _Bracing herself, as well as Anderson to her side, she all but fell through the beam. She felt her current burns burn just that little bit more, her blood slightly boils, and just as the sensation came it went. Falling onto the ground, her chest heaving as she tried to get her bearings back. Most of her vision was gone, she could make out similar shapes and that she was where everything went to hell before she went up to the beam, where hundreds of soldiers were decimated in a matter of seconds. She knew Normandy had gotten out, or she at least hoped. Glancing to her side, she looked down at Anderson, from what her Omni-tool told her, he still had a heartbeat, but it was fading faster than she would have liked. Trying to stand she screamed, pain scorching up her legs and to her back. She fell back, her face digging into the rubble as she gritted her teeth. Bracing her body on one arm, she tried the comm._

" _This, this is Commander Shepard, I am currently, currently at the base site to the Crucible. I have Captain Ander… Anderson. We…" Her head was lulling back and forth, "We… need…. medical…" She heard something, but she couldn't figure out what it was, all she felt was her head hitting her arm that was supporting her and nothing but black welcoming her._

She didn't remember much from the first couple months, for almost 7 she was in and out of consciousness. There were a few things she could recall, but other than that, it was like waking up from the Lazarus project all over again. She knew no one, recognized only Anderson only to have him transported to the Citadel for further procedures. He had lost his left leg from the knee down as well as his right hand, but he had suffered so much internal bleeding, they wanted to send him to the Citadel where the best doctors were currently meeting to help the most critical. They had refused to transfer her, she was healing at an astounding rate, but she knew it was because of Cerberus, what the Illusive Man had done to her, but regardless, she did not feel like she was healing, in fact, she felt like she was fading, her emotions becoming further out of her reach, the only thing she felt was pain, and even that was beginning to slip away from her each day. No one visited her, not anymore. She had no access to an Omni-tool, so she could never find out the progress of the Normandy and her crew, her family. Everyone assured her that they would inform her. For some time now, everything in her screamed something was wrong, that she shouldn't be here, she chalked it off to just being in a hospital, somewhere she never liked being. She never fully belonged anywhere, not really, not until Anderson took her in, showing her what family, friendship could be.

-x-x-x-

She wiped the blood from her eye, it would definitely leave a scar, even the pain was making her teeth grind, but she wouldn't back down, not from these lot of men.

"Come on Hun, give us back what you took, or..." the tallest of the 3 stepped forward, his smile unnerving.

"We could have a little peak behind the dirt and torn clothes." the second, shorter chubbier man chuckled, flicking his blade between his fingers.

Her hands trembled, a little from fear, but mostly because of her biotic singing in her veins. She had survived this long on her own, even if no one remembered her, she would make this the last fight she could, try and make a mark. Her eyes pinned to the third man, he stood behind the other two, a sinister look upon his face but he said nothing. She had her target, and if she couldn't take all of them, she would surely take him. He was the one so many kids talked about on the streets, the man without voice but always there, watching.

"Or, I could see how far I get taking you down."

"Feisty little thing, aren't you? We've already marked that pretty little face of yours, think of what else we could do." They laughed in unison, the sound sickening in her ears, but she only gave them a weak smile.

"Then I'll try my damnest."

-  
She stood there, panting as blood dripped down her chin. The men groaning in agony as she stood before them, blue encircled her, covering her like a blanket as she watched them. They landed a few blows, she'd definitely have more scars, but she was alive, or as alive as she could be. She pivoted her feet to run when a man stood in front of her. He stood a few feet above her, his shoulders pulled back, hands clasped behind him, he was dark skinned, few traces of scars and sunspots on his face as his dark brown eyes surveyed. His clothing was in immaculate shape, dark navy and gold with the smallest symbol on his chest. She knew that symbol, virtually everyone on earth knew it. She looked back up to his face, her breathing all but stopped waiting for something, anything. This man was with the Alliance, and he could say anything, do anything and no one would bat an eye. He took a few steps forward, glancing behind her, his eyes roaming the men hunched in over themselves. Then he looked at her, what she didn't expect was kindness, anger maybe, but he softened the way he stood, the way he laid eyes upon her.

"Come, you need medical attention." His voice was deep, holding authority and sincerity. He turned away and began walking, not looking twice to see if she would follow, but she did. Anyone and anywhere was better than where she was.

She followed him for just over an hour, almost closing in on herself when they began walking through the higher-class areas, areas where the homeless did not dare to walk, or at least be seen. She followed him up into a fancy building where a woman greeted them, allowing them passage, giving her a sideways glance before continuing typing on the computer in front of her.

His place was stunning. High ceilings, almost no color, furniture everywhere but seemingly unused. From what she could see, there was a large kitchen/dining room, with a living room, washroom, and stairs leading up to the second floor. He gestured towards the dining room chair for which she sat, head down and hands on her lap, waiting as she listened to him walk around. She wasn't sure how long it was, but she jumped when she felt a hand on hers. Looking up he had taken a seat beside her, angling it so he was sitting right in front, bandages and a bowl of water were now on the table.

"My name is David Anderson, and you are?" He smiled at her.

"Sir, am I in trouble?"

"Trouble? For what?" He tilted his head slightly, brows coming together.

"For... For the men sir, in the alley..."

"My dear..." He shook his head and gave a soft laugh. "From what I saw, a young girl was defending herself against 3 men. The way you fought; I'm assuming you only know how to use your biotic?"

"Yes, sir, I.." She looked down at her hands, they were fisted into the scraps of clothing she still had. They were filthy, tattered, and she could only imagine what she smelt like. "I've always been on the streets, they come to me when I.."

"When you're in great fear." He took one of her hands, giving a gentle squeeze. "Why don't you take a shower, get cleaned up before I take care of your wounds? I'll have fresh clothing and food when you're done." He patted her hand and stood. He began to walk away when he noticed she hadn't moved.

"Why, why are you being so kind?" She looked up at him, confused that this stranger so openly welcomed her.

"You remind me of someone. It's a story for a different time."

She stood, a little shakily, but her shoulders back and handheld out, giving a shy smile she looked at him. Even if he were to kick her out after all this, the least she could do was be kind and take advantage.

" My name is Minnow, sir. Minnow Shepard."

-x-x-x-

She knew it was by far one of the weirdest ways to meet someone, especially someone she now deemed her father. He took her in without judging her, watched her grow into the soldier, woman that she was. How did she repay that? Nearly getting him killed, along with nearly the entire galaxy by ignoring the Council and doing what she needed. In some parts of the galaxy she was seen as the 'Golden Girl', she hated every second of it. She was no different than any other soldier who lost their life, no different from Turian, Krogan, Solarian, hell even Batarian. She was no different, she just managed to do the final blow. In no way was that all her, it was not because of her, it was because they had come to work together, put aside their politics, and personal feelings to help each other survive.

She left herself to sink into her bed, along with the dread thoughts of all those now dead, now on her shoulders because she couldn't plan fast enough, that she was the reason some children had no parents, or parents would never know where their children perished, just that they did, Planets and homes destroyed. It continued like this well into the night as she waited for the nurses and doctors to slow their traffic. A few times she was checked on, and she pretended to be asleep, or as best as she could. When she was sure there would be no one checking on her for the next while, she slowly crawled out of bed. Rolling her neck, letting it crack in all the right places, she placed her feet on the floor, hissing at how cold it was. Making her way to the door she listened, the only lights to be on were the emergency lights, to keep it the lights low allowing people to sleep better. She smiled to herself that she had fooled them for this long. She knew for awhile she could walk fine, sometimes her legs would briefly give out, but she trained almost every hours of the night, allowing her strength to grow. She was no where near her peak like she was on the Normandy, but it was a damned good start at least. Tying her hair up, she slowly made her way down the hall, following the signs to the exit. Something felt wrong, so maybe she was just restless, wanting to see what it would be like to feel the sun on her face, or even see the stars. Never in so long, since she was 17 had she been grounded for so long, except maybe when they grounded her and the Normandy for, well, she shook her head from the thought.

She saw the nurse's station, waiting for the one nurse to put the clipboard away, she scurried low towards the door. Reaching it she all but pushed through. She could breath the fresh air again, even though the destruction would still be there, possibly for years, she could at least get out of the hospital smell for a few minutes. She smiled as she pushed through the final exit door, but it fell, as she looked around her.

This was not Earth.

This was not Earth.

This.

Was.

Not.

Earth.

-x-x-x- Year 2: Normandy Crew -x-x-x-

"EDI, do we have at least an idea?" Kaiden stood with his arms crossed, clearly irritated with the synthetic.

"As I have told you before Major Alenko- "

"Commander." He all but growled.

"As I have told you before, Major, Alenko. I have a general idea from where the Commander is, but where she is, who ever is with her, they do not want to be found." EDI watched him; her head tilted. Since they had been repairing the Normandy, food rations running low, everyone had been on edge. Joker watched the exchange, noticing that EDI did not correct in the way Alenko wanted. He smiled to himself, EDI had a point to make, and he agreed, no one on this ship was Commander, except for the Commander herself, even if Alenko was promoted, no one had the respect to call him so.

"Look, as much as I would like to jump in and do the lambada to save Minnow, we don't know the exact co-ordinates to find her. If we were to engage our stealth systems, that gives us maybe 4 hours, 6 if we are lucky, after that they will see us coming and POOF, she's gone." Joker stood, wincing slightly, his leg was still recovering from the crash on the random planet after the Crucible exploded. "You are not the only one who wants her back safe."

"Like hell, you sit at this chair all day, making jokes with your…." Joker grimaced as Alenko gestured to EDI. "Toy/companion. So yes, I do believe that I am the on- "

"Watch your tongue, Alenko." Joker smiled as Garrus strode in with Victus. Normally you wouldn't hear a Turians sub-harmonics, but lately, when it came to Alenko, he could hear Garrus clear as day, and it always meant the same thing.

"Last I checked, Vakarian, you held no power on this ship." Kaiden turned to face the Turians, not backing down.

"He is more ranked than you are in your human military." Victus tilted his head slightly. "I also out rank you, and well, anyone on this ship, yet I have graciously allowed you to work amongst yourselves, but at this continued rate, I am starting to think that was the wrong idea."

Joker snickered, trying to hide his laugh as Alenko's face drained in color, he walked past the two, mumbling something to himself as he walked away. On some level, he did feel bad for the biotic, he still clearly had feelings for Minnow, but Joker knew, those feelings were no longer genuine, just a shadow of what was.

"Victus, bringing out the big guns before the show had even begun." Joker smiled at him, making Victus chuckle.

"Yes, well, I get the feeling he is becoming more restless than one would like. Establishing some sort of command, may benefit us." Victus glanced back over his shoulder before looking to Garrus.

"Joker." Garrus handed him his omni-tool. "I got an SOS from an unknown, but I do believe it's her."

"Garrus." Joker frowned as he took it, if anyone was taking this hard, it would be Garrus himself. "Not every- "

"It came from the same area we think she is now." They held each other stare, maybe, just maybe, things would work out in their favour.

Without saying a word, he spun in his chair, allowing the omni-tool to interface with the ship. EDI immediately took a seat to his right, knowing what to do. The two of them worked faster than they should have. The slight hum of the keyboard and breathing. His eyes scanned the many screens that were prompted, he may be no EDI, but he knew he was fast as a human could be when looking for something.

Hours passed, he rolled his shoulders, looking over at EDI whose fingers were still going. He smiled again as he brought his attention to the screens. Out of everything the Commander had done, she had also managed to make a synthetic have feelings, be able to become as human as possible. He would be damned if he wouldn't save her now. He remembered the first time he met her. Cold and callused, scars almost everywhere but fading. If he was honest, she was, is, gorgeous. She was everything that a warrior was, because she was no soldier, no. She was a fearsome warrior. On the battlefield, watching the vids, she was indestructible, fearless and gruesome. Yet, it was so her. She easily balanced it, because as soon as she stepped onto the Normandy, with her crew waiting for her, she smiled, laughed, made others laugh. She always checked on everyone, even making special stops on the Citadel to make sure everyone had what they need. She was family, and he would be damned if he lost another one.

 _Signal found._

 _Signal found._

He smiled even wider, looking at EDI who was also smiling. Hitting the Normandy's intercom.

"Normandy, we have found our Commander, lets bring her home."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Garrus watched the slow approach to the large Cerberus ship. The symbol was still the same as before, yet the colors were now black, white and red. Instead of the yellow they were used to. The ship was massive, but from what Joker and EDI could gather, the ship was hardly full of people, they were mostly clustered towards the front of the ship, closer to the controls, but below, on the fourth floor, there was a large cluster of body heat. Their best bet would be there. He felt his helmet click into place, the slight hiss allowing the pressure to even out in his suit.

"How are we going in?" He looked to his side to watch Vega put his helmet on, the large man was annoying, but he was just a loyal to the Commander.

"Silent if we can. I don't want to give them the chance to move the Commander." He prayed that Kaiden didn't mess this up. They had decided to go in two teams. Himself, Primarch, Vega and Jack had been the first team. Kaiden, Samara, Zaeed, and Kasumi had been the second team. As much as Grunt and Wrex wanted to be apart of this, he couldn't see it working as stealthy as they needed, but he let the boys stay at the door, ready if things went sideways and acted as a distraction.

The doors hissed open, they waited for the Cerberus ship to open, when it did, he smiled under his helmet knowing EDI didn't set off any alarms, he was both amazed and scared of her, but he would never tell her.

-x-x-x-

Fight.

Fight.

Fight.

That was the only thing that rang through her head as more trainees ran at her, and with ease and finesse, each of them fells. Some, small, hidden part of her wanted to be afraid of how deadly she was, but as fast as it came up, it was easily squandered. Nothing else mattered, she had to be perfect, fluent. That's what the doctors told her, reminded her, pushed her to do everyday. It was all she could remember, all she wanted to remember.

She was on her 8th round with the trainee's when the door hissed opened. Everyone stilled, instead, she changed her stance, facing the door, waiting. Who walked through was not what she expected? From what she could tell, it was 2 Turians and 2 humans who stood in full heavy armor, except for the female, she had very little clothing on but a blue biotic field around her. The Turian in dark navy-blue armor stepped forward, she allowed her biotic field to wrap around her, she watched as the Turian raised his hand, putting away his rifle, making her head tilt.

"I don't know who you are, but you are not welcome on this ship. You should leave immediately." The four of them looked at each other.

"Minnow?" The woman stepped forward, clearly confused.

"There is no Minnow on this ship." As she said the words, they felt like ash in her mouth.

"Minnow Shepard? Commander of the Normandy?" The Turian in black armor stepped forward, their arms clasped behind his back, something, that…

"You… You're clearly mistaken…" She touched her head, the thoughts fighting with themselves, why did this not feel like the truth?

"Lola. It's us." The larger human waved to the small group. She could only tilt her head in confusion, letting her hand run shakily through her hair.

"Minnow." Her eyes snapped back to the first Turian. Slowly, as though not to startle her, he reached up, allowing his helmet to hiss as he removed it. She felt her biotics waver, ever so slightly as she looked back at the Turian. Blue eyes met her green, there was no anger, she could feel no harm from him. Her eyes roamed his face, noticing the blue clan markings on his grey tanned skin, followed it as it faded on his right side, where scars ran up almost up to his eye and slightly down his neck. She, she knew him, but why couldn't she place it? She met his eyes again, watching them as he watched her. "Minnow, you're on a Cerberus ship."

"Yes…" Her brows came together. "I know." She heard him take in a sharp intake of breath.

"Do, do you remember the Illusive Man?" He took a step forward, she watched him, her biotics slightly flaring.

"Yes, he, he saved the Galaxy…" Her mind twinge at the thought, no that wasn't right.

"Minnow… Do you know who I am?" He kept walking towards her, slowly, and she allowed him to. Something in her was, relaxing? The closer he got, the more she wanted to just stop. He stopped when he was arms length from her, without her thinking she raised her left hand, hovering above the scar, watching his eyes flutter just for a moment.

"I… I think…" She felt her body seize, her eyes roll back as she watched her vision disappear, felt her body begin to drop, but she felt arms around her. She opened her eyes briefly to see blue clear eyes staring at her, it was barley a whisper, but she knew he heard her before her body fully collapsed. "Garrus."

He watched as she collapsed into his arms, she whispered his name, but her eyes were faintly distant. Without thinking, he lifted her into his arms, bringing her in close. Glancing around the room, he noticed the other Cerberus agents were just kids, bruised and battered. Something clearly was wrong, the Shepard he knew wouldn't beat on kids, as much as she was a fighter, that is where she drew the line.

"What are you all doing here?" He tried to ignore that Shepard curled in tighter on herself and began slightly shaking. Slowly a small female stepped forward, a small bruise forming under her left eye as she held her right arm close to her chest, even just looking he could tell it was broken.

"They took us, from all over. Some of us…" He watched the girl bite her lip as a tear fell down her cheek.

"If any of you want to get out of here, stay close, quiet and do as we say. Understood?" He watched as they straightened out as best as they could. Nodding he turned to face the others. "Let the other team and Normandy we have guests, get Chakwas informed of the situation." Vega talked into the comm as they made their way down the halls as quickly and quietly as they could. For a large amount of heat signatures, there weren't many soldiers. But he knew when they left, especially with the Commander, things were never silent with Cerberus where she was concerned. He gripped her tighter, at least now, now they had her.

-x-x-x-

They managed to get back to the Normandy, they brought on 13 children, most injured others just scared. Once Shepard was looked over and sedated after her biotics started to flare, he made his way up to Joker and EDI with Victus, Jack and Vega with him. Prompting them to stand in the cockpit together, he closed the door.

"EDI." She gave him a quick nod, the door locking as she did a quick scan of the room. When she gave another nod, he relaxed. "Somethings not right."

"Clearly, she doesn't remember any of us, which is you know, weird?" Joker laughed, but he could tell he was just as confused as the rest of them. It was then he felt Victus' harmonics going off, turning to the Primarch he brought his brows together.

"Primarch?" Victus jumped a little, clearly unaware that his anger seeped into his harmonics.

"Yes." Looking at Garrus, he sighed. "Is, is it possible that someone lead Cerberus to her?"

"What do you mean?" Jack was using a knife to pick at her hands, something he still did not understand.

"Think about it." They watched as the Primarch brought up documents and vids from around the final push. "The Alliance found Anderson, in the rubble by the beam, like her message said."

"The Alliance just figured she ended up somewhere else." Jack now ditched the knife, her eyes scanning the documents filtering through his omni-tool. "But you think they got to her first?"

"No, I think someone told them to pick her up."

"Who?" Garrus was fighting with himself, and he could tell the Primarch knew the struggle, because he wasn't the Primarch, right now, he was just Victus.

"I believe it would have been someone on the Normandy." His talons moved across his omni-tool. "There were only 2 out going transmissions the time we left the Commander. One, was to try and fly back to get her, to which she declined. The second, the second came from the Normandy, but I can't seem to pinpoint where and to whom."

"You believe someone from the Normandy wanted to hand Lola over to those physco's?" Vega punched the wall beside the door. "How do we figure out who?"

"I have scanned every inch of this ship. I cannot find the trace, who ever it was, they cleaned their tracks. And considering Garrus has you in this room, that narrows it down." He placed his hands behind his back, watching the others think it over.

"Kasumi owes Minnow for the gray box, as much as she is capable to hacking into the system, she wouldn't do this." Garrus tapped his chin, but they all collectively looked over to the seat on the left side of the room.

"Well, thank you Garrus, coming from you that's a huge compliment." Kasumi smiled as she allowed her cloak to fade away. "Zaeed is clean, he mostly just watches vids of the war, watching tactics and getting new contracts lined up as well as talking to Aria about helping out." She brought her hands up and over her head. "Samara also owes the Commander her life, after all, she did help kill her rogue daughter and save her one daughter. Samara would not harm a hair on her head. Tali wasn't even on the Normandy, so she's out. You all know Wrex and Grunt would kill anyone if they found out what were talking about which makes me think you already know it is not them. So that leaves- "

"Kaiden." Garrus had to swallow the large growl threatening to come out as he said the biotics name. He knew the human still carried a torch for Minnow, but to go as far as hand her over. He was furious to say the least.

"Unfortunately." Kasumi stared out the window, watching the stars go by as they travelled towards the Citadel, where they knew Anderson was. "But, as much as we all want to tear the thing, he calls a heart out, would should make sure, it may also be wise not to inform the Commander just yet."

"We keep this quiet and only amongst ourselves, the next time we talk about this will be on the Citadel." Victus made is voice stern, as much as he wasn't in charge, everyone respected what he said.

As they filed out, Victus placed a hand on Garrus' shoulder, giving a firm squeeze. It wasn't a threat, nor a command, just a simple, I understand. For which Garrus was thankful, because he wouldn't touch the biotic, not yet, but it would kill him to be friendly to the human. It was going to be a long flight.

A.N. hopefully this one turned out really well for you guys, I wasn't sure where to go with this story, but then this little bundle of plot twists and everything else hit me. I know it's not NEARLY as long as the first chapter, but I still hope you guys enjoyed. Hope you enjoyed!


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